I didn't feel the need to be anonymous. Coming out of the closet so to speak, lol.
Brought my blog over to here:
BecomingQueenBlog.com
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Finding Myself
Otherwise known as the early 20's?
My mind is so jumbled, I don't even know how or where to begin.
I guess it all came to a head since Chris and I decided we would try to buy our first home this summer.
It's really gotten me thinking about what we want/need.
Even though we fully expect this to be our 'starter' home and hope to custom build once we've gotten really settled and stable in a few years, it's still a huge commitment. And sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. It doesn't have to be lavish, but it does need to meet our basic needs and be something we could live with for many years. You just never know what the market will be or where we will be in life!
How many bedrooms? What kind of layout? One story or two? Budget?
And, to me, the hardest question of all: How will we decorate? At face value, I know this doesn't seem like a deep philosophical question about who you are... But somehow I've managed to make it one.
I feel like how you furnish and decorate your home says so much about you. Minimalist, modern, eclectic, homey...
But what am I? Who am I? What/who are we together?
I have this internal debate every day about myself.
I have all of these different ideas about who I want to be, how I wish I was, who I actually am. How do I reconcile all of these different aspects into one, authentic, self? How much should you try to change or control your personality, how much should you just embrace how you already are?
I know this is probably something everyone goes through. I'm not upset about it, or afraid of it. I'm ready to figure it out and face it. But I don't really know how to... I'm afraid it may just be something you understand in time. But the control freak in me doesn't particularly like that answer, I want to become who I want to become.
To put it back into the metaphor of home decor (which I feel not only helps in explanation, but also helps me cope and understand it myself.) I can't figure out what direction I want to go! Different facets of my personality are drawn to different things. And quite frankly these change on a daily basis.
I don't need to have every detail planned out, but I want a general vibe.
There's something in me that just loves the idea of simplicity. Comfortable, utilitarian, organic. I envision simple days living further from the city and closer to nature. Going to farmers markets and doing homey things. Listening to the world, to my body. Being internal. Meditation. Simple, classic clothing. Not feeling the need to be up on the newest fashion or music or whatever. In short, put less emphasis on fancy furnishings and big screen TVs and more on big windows, architecture, sunshine and trees. Less jewelry and eyeshadow, more of simple, beautiful (in my own way...) me. Don't ask me why this all goes together, but in my head, it does.
But then, I love the really modern and bold look too. Bright purple walls on our bedroom with black furniture and white trim and linens. Swedish couches in the living room and glass walls. This look does tend to be more 'simple', but it is very bold. And I can be a very bold person. Outgoing, talkative... But sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to share everything and yet there is something freeing about it.
However, with either/both of the above, I fear in losing myself. I love simplicity and I feel like that's the goal in life: Getting to what's real. How are you supposed to really appreciate food when you don't eat the real stuff? How are you supposed to appreciate the world, when the only time you see it is through your TV? And yet, I have to give in to indulgences and pleasures, because that's part of what makes life worth living. I even like the fancy, hotel look. But again, it doesn't feel authentic.
I have the same trouble with blogging! It's hard to stay honest. I want it to be a journal to me that maybe other people can relate to. But for whatever reason, I'm always trying to make myself seem more optimistic, pretty, funny, artsy, cynical - it changes day-by-day.
I fear not liking what I see. Inside and out. I fear not doing enough. Regret. Not choosing right. Lying to myself.
Don't really know how to end this entry. Other than, I clearly have some thinking and reflecting to do.
My mind is so jumbled, I don't even know how or where to begin.
I guess it all came to a head since Chris and I decided we would try to buy our first home this summer.
It's really gotten me thinking about what we want/need.
Even though we fully expect this to be our 'starter' home and hope to custom build once we've gotten really settled and stable in a few years, it's still a huge commitment. And sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. It doesn't have to be lavish, but it does need to meet our basic needs and be something we could live with for many years. You just never know what the market will be or where we will be in life!
How many bedrooms? What kind of layout? One story or two? Budget?
And, to me, the hardest question of all: How will we decorate? At face value, I know this doesn't seem like a deep philosophical question about who you are... But somehow I've managed to make it one.
I feel like how you furnish and decorate your home says so much about you. Minimalist, modern, eclectic, homey...
But what am I? Who am I? What/who are we together?
I have this internal debate every day about myself.
I have all of these different ideas about who I want to be, how I wish I was, who I actually am. How do I reconcile all of these different aspects into one, authentic, self? How much should you try to change or control your personality, how much should you just embrace how you already are?
I know this is probably something everyone goes through. I'm not upset about it, or afraid of it. I'm ready to figure it out and face it. But I don't really know how to... I'm afraid it may just be something you understand in time. But the control freak in me doesn't particularly like that answer, I want to become who I want to become.
To put it back into the metaphor of home decor (which I feel not only helps in explanation, but also helps me cope and understand it myself.) I can't figure out what direction I want to go! Different facets of my personality are drawn to different things. And quite frankly these change on a daily basis.
I don't need to have every detail planned out, but I want a general vibe.
There's something in me that just loves the idea of simplicity. Comfortable, utilitarian, organic. I envision simple days living further from the city and closer to nature. Going to farmers markets and doing homey things. Listening to the world, to my body. Being internal. Meditation. Simple, classic clothing. Not feeling the need to be up on the newest fashion or music or whatever. In short, put less emphasis on fancy furnishings and big screen TVs and more on big windows, architecture, sunshine and trees. Less jewelry and eyeshadow, more of simple, beautiful (in my own way...) me. Don't ask me why this all goes together, but in my head, it does.
But then, I love the really modern and bold look too. Bright purple walls on our bedroom with black furniture and white trim and linens. Swedish couches in the living room and glass walls. This look does tend to be more 'simple', but it is very bold. And I can be a very bold person. Outgoing, talkative... But sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to share everything and yet there is something freeing about it.
However, with either/both of the above, I fear in losing myself. I love simplicity and I feel like that's the goal in life: Getting to what's real. How are you supposed to really appreciate food when you don't eat the real stuff? How are you supposed to appreciate the world, when the only time you see it is through your TV? And yet, I have to give in to indulgences and pleasures, because that's part of what makes life worth living. I even like the fancy, hotel look. But again, it doesn't feel authentic.
I have the same trouble with blogging! It's hard to stay honest. I want it to be a journal to me that maybe other people can relate to. But for whatever reason, I'm always trying to make myself seem more optimistic, pretty, funny, artsy, cynical - it changes day-by-day.
I fear not liking what I see. Inside and out. I fear not doing enough. Regret. Not choosing right. Lying to myself.
Don't really know how to end this entry. Other than, I clearly have some thinking and reflecting to do.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Yay for being bad at math!
I apparently miscalculated my grades. I thought I was going to get a B in the class, but I actually ended up getting an A! Yay!! :) So not only did I survive my first class of nursing school, but I got an A!
I feel like I really need to celebrate this moment, because I truly don't think it will ever happen again, lol. It only gets harder from here!
*nerdy dance*
And I've actually been exercising! Yesterday I ran 3 miles in 30 minutes! Quite the accomplishment for me - I'm not what you would call a Runner. My diet has been okay, not SUPER healthy but not awful either. Though after finding out about my grade, I'm treating myself to a burrito and a beer at our local Freebirds for lunch. I LOVE that place!!
And to add onto the awesomeness, one of my good friends from high school will be in town next Saturday and we're running a zombie 5k in the morning and after a good meal or two and a few naps, we're going to have a girl's night on the town. We plan on dressing skanky, drinking a bit too much (Don't worry, we have a DD!) and dancing at one of my favorite gay clubs.
I have to say, when you want to dance and have a good time without being creeped on by a bunch of guys, gay clubs are where it's at! The guys that are there aren't interested and the chicks are WAY more polite and actually listen when you say 'no thanks'. I don't know what it is about now-a-days that makes straight guys think they doen't have to introduce themselves and instead can just surprise you from behind by humping you, but apparently that's the new handshake. It's gross! I don't go out often and when I do, I just want to be silly and have fun! Not worry about being molested.
I used an Express gift card I've been hoarding for a while and got this cute little number for the occasion:
It hasn't come in yet, but I am very optimistic! It got great reviews and this type of dress fits my body style pretty well usually. I like dresses where you can feel sexy and feminine, but aren't too short. How am I supposed to feel cute with my ass hanging out? I have high hopes this dress will accomplish that. I will definitely let you know! (Also, it's 30% off and I used a coupon so I even saved enough to get another dress with the gift card. I'll show that one off later once I get it, I'm more on the fence about it.)
Anyways, new class starts on Monday so I better hit the books to prepare. Will have to show competency on IV meds the second day!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Done with my first clinicals of nursing school.
Yay! And after Tuesday and Wednesday (fourth test and final) I'll be done with my first class of nursing school, Foundations and on to Commons!
As excited as I am, some days, I wonder what the heck I got myself into... How am I ever going to learn all this? Two years (well 1 year and 7 months now!) is too long AND too short all at once!
And then I think about how things will be once I graduate (and I'm assuming, pass the NCLEX :D)... I'll actually get to do something that I love for a living! And of course making some good money doesn't hurt, either. I'll be able to have a normal life again- Have a job, see my husband once in a while, not always be broke, have babies, get a house, see my friends, travel! Ahh, the good life.
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I'm sure the time will go by faster than I think....
But still, siiiiiigh.
I'm already tired of school being my life and it's only been 8 weeks. Though, to be fair, I've been in school for 3 and a half years prior to starting nursing school and let's just say it's getting old being a student. I can't really put my finger on exactly what took me so long. Partially because I switched majors after a year, partially because I was working two jobs for a while and couldn't take a full load, partially because I took extra classes that I didn't needlike an idiot.
And after all this I will just have gotten my associate's and have another year working on my bachelor's online!! If you added up all that time I could have had a master's by then! Some days I could just kick myself for that fact.
I know, I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why beat myself up about it? Still. Now that school is both hindering me from and my key to, doing the things I want to in life, it makes it difficult not to be annoyed with myself for all of that time wasted.
But in an effort to stick with the optimism and happiness that I began this post with (How did this post about getting through my first class of nursing school turn into a sad story about taking wayy too long to get through college?) because of my mistakes from the past, I will NEVER make them again and I now have the determination of a goat lol. (I am a Capricorn, too lol.)
GAH, now I'm all pissy with myself.
eioahwan392uhnaw;
Grumble.
As excited as I am, some days, I wonder what the heck I got myself into... How am I ever going to learn all this? Two years (well 1 year and 7 months now!) is too long AND too short all at once!
And then I think about how things will be once I graduate (and I'm assuming, pass the NCLEX :D)... I'll actually get to do something that I love for a living! And of course making some good money doesn't hurt, either. I'll be able to have a normal life again- Have a job, see my husband once in a while, not always be broke, have babies, get a house, see my friends, travel! Ahh, the good life.
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I'm sure the time will go by faster than I think....
But still, siiiiiigh.
I'm already tired of school being my life and it's only been 8 weeks. Though, to be fair, I've been in school for 3 and a half years prior to starting nursing school and let's just say it's getting old being a student. I can't really put my finger on exactly what took me so long. Partially because I switched majors after a year, partially because I was working two jobs for a while and couldn't take a full load, partially because I took extra classes that I didn't need
And after all this I will just have gotten my associate's and have another year working on my bachelor's online!! If you added up all that time I could have had a master's by then! Some days I could just kick myself for that fact.
I know, I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why beat myself up about it? Still. Now that school is both hindering me from and my key to, doing the things I want to in life, it makes it difficult not to be annoyed with myself for all of that time wasted.
But in an effort to stick with the optimism and happiness that I began this post with (How did this post about getting through my first class of nursing school turn into a sad story about taking wayy too long to get through college?) because of my mistakes from the past, I will NEVER make them again and I now have the determination of a goat lol. (I am a Capricorn, too lol.)
GAH, now I'm all pissy with myself.
eioahwan392uhnaw;
Grumble.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Week In Review... Yesterday, especially.
Yesterday was a pretty darn good day! I actually accomplished most everything I wanted to! That NEVER happens.
Clinicals went great like Thursday. I just can't tell you how much better it feels to have a clue. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing, but now I feel like I have a shot in hell at figuring it out one day. Dude, nursing/school is hard!
I drank tons of water, which I've really been trying to work on lately. A couple of my girlfriends and I had a girl's date night scheduled and I knew there would be lots of delicious, greasy food and definitely some alcohol involved, so I hate super healthy all day to kind of counter-balance. I think I did pretty decently: Oatmeal for breakfast, granola bar after clinicals, exercised, had only veggies/fruits for lunch (carrots, broccoli, grapes and a banana) and only ate half my cheeseburger/fries at dinner and had only one Long Island Iced Tea (well, they call it a Texas Tea, but it's the same thing) and only like a third of the fried pickles we shared. Hey, I know that still sounds like a lot, but sadly it is an improvement from my usual when I go out :) It's a good thing I don't go out that much!
I know this probably sounds like an excuse and you should always try to health-ify your meals, but I genuinely don't mind going out and eating something awful and greasy every now and again! Never doing it really would be better, but I don't like to feel like eating healthy is a punishment and if I don't splurge once in a while, it ends up feeling that way.
Now about my other goals: Do homework, follow calendar, eat healthy, exercise at least 2x/wk, meditate, hubby time, listening, facebook hiatus.
I did okay. Again. Slowlyyyy getting better and making those lifestyle changes. It's an arduous process changing your habits!
I didn't get even half as much of the crap that I wanted to, but I really can't point to any one day and go "I really could have done more," or "I was really lazy." I'm starting to wonder why I can't reach this goal?? Are my standards to high?? I'll think about it this week and get back to you.
Did check my calendar regularly and follow that as best as I was able (aside from the school work.)
Ate quite healthy this week and I'm very proud of myself. It wasn't a perfect week, as I said about yesterday, and on Tuesday I did have a cocktail with my husband which was not healthy in the least, but all in all. I made vast improvement :) Still working on keeping a journal.
Exercised once, yesterday, but it's a start! I have to say being at the hospital is such a motivation to be active. I see all of these people who either can't because of a health issue, or they're having health issues because they're inactive. Either way, realizing how luck I am inspires me to try to reach for my full potential.
Didn't meditate every day... Or any day... At all. :/ I want to say I was just "too busy", but I know that's not an excuse. SOMEWHERE in my busy days I KNOW I could have carved out 5 minutes to sit and be calm and reflective.
I think my hubby and I took a big step towards trying to spend more time together and really being present during that time. We had a long talk about it and I was able to say how I felt and he said how he felt. I feel like now we really understand what we need from each other during these next couple years of school.
I think I'm getting slightly better about the whole listen more, talk less thing. I still talk wayyy too much, but when I do, half the time it is asking about other people. Though it still isn't ONLY listening, I feel like I'm in a good place with it.
I did bad with facebook. I didn't spend whole hours on it or anything (yep, done it before...), but that time could have been better spent meditating or reading.
So there's my week! I'm so glad I started this blog, well I think of it more as a journal, but either way, I feel like it really gives me an opportunity to hold myself accountable and reflect on my life. Though I know it must be boring as hell to others! :) I think I'm okay with it. Ain't no shame in doing things just for yourself.
Clinicals went great like Thursday. I just can't tell you how much better it feels to have a clue. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing, but now I feel like I have a shot in hell at figuring it out one day. Dude, nursing/school is hard!
I drank tons of water, which I've really been trying to work on lately. A couple of my girlfriends and I had a girl's date night scheduled and I knew there would be lots of delicious, greasy food and definitely some alcohol involved, so I hate super healthy all day to kind of counter-balance. I think I did pretty decently: Oatmeal for breakfast, granola bar after clinicals, exercised, had only veggies/fruits for lunch (carrots, broccoli, grapes and a banana) and only ate half my cheeseburger/fries at dinner and had only one Long Island Iced Tea (well, they call it a Texas Tea, but it's the same thing) and only like a third of the fried pickles we shared. Hey, I know that still sounds like a lot, but sadly it is an improvement from my usual when I go out :) It's a good thing I don't go out that much!
I know this probably sounds like an excuse and you should always try to health-ify your meals, but I genuinely don't mind going out and eating something awful and greasy every now and again! Never doing it really would be better, but I don't like to feel like eating healthy is a punishment and if I don't splurge once in a while, it ends up feeling that way.
Now about my other goals: Do homework, follow calendar, eat healthy, exercise at least 2x/wk, meditate, hubby time, listening, facebook hiatus.
I did okay. Again. Slowlyyyy getting better and making those lifestyle changes. It's an arduous process changing your habits!
I didn't get even half as much of the crap that I wanted to, but I really can't point to any one day and go "I really could have done more," or "I was really lazy." I'm starting to wonder why I can't reach this goal?? Are my standards to high?? I'll think about it this week and get back to you.
Did check my calendar regularly and follow that as best as I was able (aside from the school work.)
Ate quite healthy this week and I'm very proud of myself. It wasn't a perfect week, as I said about yesterday, and on Tuesday I did have a cocktail with my husband which was not healthy in the least, but all in all. I made vast improvement :) Still working on keeping a journal.
Exercised once, yesterday, but it's a start! I have to say being at the hospital is such a motivation to be active. I see all of these people who either can't because of a health issue, or they're having health issues because they're inactive. Either way, realizing how luck I am inspires me to try to reach for my full potential.
Didn't meditate every day... Or any day... At all. :/ I want to say I was just "too busy", but I know that's not an excuse. SOMEWHERE in my busy days I KNOW I could have carved out 5 minutes to sit and be calm and reflective.
I think my hubby and I took a big step towards trying to spend more time together and really being present during that time. We had a long talk about it and I was able to say how I felt and he said how he felt. I feel like now we really understand what we need from each other during these next couple years of school.
I think I'm getting slightly better about the whole listen more, talk less thing. I still talk wayyy too much, but when I do, half the time it is asking about other people. Though it still isn't ONLY listening, I feel like I'm in a good place with it.
I did bad with facebook. I didn't spend whole hours on it or anything (yep, done it before...), but that time could have been better spent meditating or reading.
So there's my week! I'm so glad I started this blog, well I think of it more as a journal, but either way, I feel like it really gives me an opportunity to hold myself accountable and reflect on my life. Though I know it must be boring as hell to others! :) I think I'm okay with it. Ain't no shame in doing things just for yourself.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Does this gown make my butt look big?
Actually, it kind of does. At least, I didn't think my butt was that big...
Such a stylish, sexy beast. I know :)
Anyways, GREAT day at clinicals today.
A) I wasn't a giant bundle of nerves.
B) I'm finally getting into the swing of things. Where things are, who to ask, who to avoid, how to deal with patients, etc etc
C) The staff - dare I say it - actually likes us now!
That all combines to make for a great day :) Let's hope tomorrow goes just as smoothly!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October.
To me, October is the metaphorical Spring of the year. I don't know why, but whenever fall starts coming around, I can practically smell promise and opportunity in the air! It's palpable!
I get a new pep in my step. (Which I really could use right about now... Nursing school isn't a joke!!)
It gets cooler. The air smells fresher!
Out with the hot, staleness of a summer that probably hung on too long-it did this year! (Hooray for living in south Texas...) In with the crisp, wonderfulness that is October.
During October, the semester is halfway through. Which always motivates me to give it that extra push to make it 'till the end! (Now, this tends to be gone by Thanksgiving, but hey-it's Spring damnit! Optimism!) And now that I'm in a school where we take 8 week semesters, I'm actually going to a new class soon.
And we can't forget all the fun events! Oktoberfest, Rocky Horror Picture Show viewings, Halloween. Candy EVERYWHERE, all month!
Starting to think about what to get everyone for Christmas. :) I love doing that. I always try to be super thoughtful. (Which you kind of have to be with a budget like mine, lol.)
Also, it's the beginning of family season.
Now, this might seem ironic considering most of my family I don't get along with or am not close to. But it's actually made me appreciate the ones I'm close to even more. And now I have an excuse at least once a month to get together with them :) (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years)
Now, I'm actually not a big winter fan. I feel like clothes here are never warm enough. But for the fall, and ESPECIALLY for October, I am one happy lady. :)
Happy October y'all!
I get a new pep in my step. (Which I really could use right about now... Nursing school isn't a joke!!)
It gets cooler. The air smells fresher!
Out with the hot, staleness of a summer that probably hung on too long-it did this year! (Hooray for living in south Texas...) In with the crisp, wonderfulness that is October.
During October, the semester is halfway through. Which always motivates me to give it that extra push to make it 'till the end! (Now, this tends to be gone by Thanksgiving, but hey-it's Spring damnit! Optimism!) And now that I'm in a school where we take 8 week semesters, I'm actually going to a new class soon.
And we can't forget all the fun events! Oktoberfest, Rocky Horror Picture Show viewings, Halloween. Candy EVERYWHERE, all month!
Starting to think about what to get everyone for Christmas. :) I love doing that. I always try to be super thoughtful. (Which you kind of have to be with a budget like mine, lol.)
Also, it's the beginning of family season.
Now, this might seem ironic considering most of my family I don't get along with or am not close to. But it's actually made me appreciate the ones I'm close to even more. And now I have an excuse at least once a month to get together with them :) (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years)
Now, I'm actually not a big winter fan. I feel like clothes here are never warm enough. But for the fall, and ESPECIALLY for October, I am one happy lady. :)
Happy October y'all!
Monday, October 1, 2012
P.S.
I am OBSESSED with this song and slowly with this band, too. I hadn't heard of them before! Just love.
babiesbabiesbabies
I don't know what it is, but over the last six months (bear in mind, I've only been married a year...) I've really had babies on the brain! I'm still in my early 20's and have so much more I want to do before babies, but I just can't stop thinking about them. I thought once nursing school started it would clear up, but no! I mean, I do think about it less due to less brain cell availability, but I still think about it. A lot.
Does that even make sense? Wanting a baby and not wanting a baby at the same time?? Luckily I can guarantee my logical self is going to win this argument. We are absolutely, 100% waiting until after school to even really broach the subject. But even though logically I know the time is not now, it doesn't make the desire go away. Ah, to be a man and have my emotions make sense...
So, to remind myself, every time I get into a baby craze (if my husband doesn't, that is lol) I've created a Bucket Crib List? Diaper Pale List? Eh, you get the idea. A-List-of-Shit-I-Should-Do-Before-Popping-Out-Babies.
It is as follows:
Buy a house.
Furnish said house to my liking. I'm not going to have extra time or money to decorate a house with a new baby!
Get my ASN (program I'm currently in.)
Pay those loans off.
Save for getting my BSN.
Get my BSN!
Spend time being cute and couple-y with my husband. One of us has always been in school for the entire length of our relationship. It'd be nice to just go to work and go home and have a life for a change! Not have to go home and study for hours on end.
Establish an untouchable savings account of at least 3 months expenses, just in case. I know we should already have one now, but letmetellyou, cops do NOT get paid enough and school is WAY too expensive.
Travel! So many places, I won't even get into naming them all right now.
Be debt-free. Currently all of our debt consists of a $70 balance on my Target card and my student loans, but in case we accrue more, I want to be straightened out before we bring a baby into the equation.
Get cracking on that list of passions I want to pursue!
I'm sure there's more. But that's the gist. I know life doesn't end when you have a baby, but having all that accomplished really would make the transition easier. And more importantly, would allow us to secure a better future for that child.
If I'm honest with myself and really think about how long this could all take, that puts me at maybe 27, at the earliest, when we start really thinking about children. And that puts the hubby at nearly 30. I don't particularly like the thought of waiting that long, but it'll be worth the wait :) Plus there is so much more fun to be had while we're young and carefree! I just need to remember that.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Week in Review
So about a week ago (exactly a week ago? Whatever.) I made all these promises about changes I wanted to make in my life. And in an effort not to sound like a shitty boyfriend who talks about how he'll change all the time, I actually tried to hold myself accountable to those.
To sum up, my goals were these:
Homework/Studying
Follow my calendar for the day (both personally and for school)
Eat healthy
Exercise at least 2x/week
Meditate 5-10 mins/day
Stop neglecting hubby
Be a Listener and NOT an over-sharer
Facebook Hiatus
I did okay. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes time to make and break habits, but who doesn't love seeing immediate results with no work?
I didn't follow my schedules and accomplish all of the homework (which consisted mainly of required reading), however I did TRY. The problem was the sheer volume this week was just incredible. I'm hoping to catch back up today and start fresh for the week. If I can manage to read 3 chapters today and finish my clinical paperwork, I won't be golden, but I'll at least have a fighting chance to get back on schedule. I'll let you know how that goes...
I didn't exercise, like, at all. Although in clinicals on Friday, I did help move and clean a 300 pound woman. That should count for something, because I'll tell you, that was damn hard work lol. I'm really going to try hard to get those 2x in this week, though.
I did eat pretty decently this week. Not great, but better than my usual. Yesterday I finally went to the store and stocked up on a bunch of healthy stuff. I didn't buy any junk food for myself, so that should take care of that! As long as I don't go out anywhere and stick to what I bought, my diet will be fine. I'm going to start taking pictures of what I eat, too. I promise I won't dump it all on you here, but I do plan on making a photo food journal. I used to keep a written journal, but I find I don't feel as accountable as actually seeing what all I ate does. I may post the highlights or especially smart ideas, but I promise I won't bore you with every meal I eat, every day of the week :D
I didn't meditate every day, but I did manage it three times. That's a start, right? And I am trying to be more relaxed and mindful all the time.
Unfortunately I did continue to neglect my hubby this week. It's not that I didn't try, but as I mentioned before the workload was a bit much this week. I did make an effort to cook a meal for us a couple times, where we sat down and actually got to chat. And I made his lunch for work a couple times, too. I think it's a start in letting him know I care, even when I'm busy. Though he does wish I had more time for him, I'm lucky in that he is perfectly content playing his computer games and such while I study. Some of my classmates say their husbands actually get angry because they don't have enough time for them. That's just crazy to me! What else are they supposed to do? Flunk out?? Insanity. I am very fortunate.
Just like everything else, I did mediocre at best at my listening (and not sharing) goal. Although I still felt my mouth take over and feel the need to chime in way too often, I did attempt to listen more than I talked. It's nice to hear what other people have to say, I just have to give them the opportunity to say it.
My facebook hiatus was the one thing I actually succeeded at! It was the easiest one, I know, but it's something! I still have that instinct to, whenever I get on the computer, pull up my browser and type in Facebook.com, but I fought the urge! I didn't go on once except to pop in yesterday and catch up for a minute. And I'm cool with that. Once a week still keep's me up to date on what's going on in people's lives, without facebook becoming my life.
Not a bad first week, but hoping for more success next week! Of course, I will keep you posted :)
To sum up, my goals were these:
Homework/Studying
Follow my calendar for the day (both personally and for school)
Eat healthy
Exercise at least 2x/week
Meditate 5-10 mins/day
Stop neglecting hubby
Be a Listener and NOT an over-sharer
Facebook Hiatus
I did okay. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and it takes time to make and break habits, but who doesn't love seeing immediate results with no work?
I didn't follow my schedules and accomplish all of the homework (which consisted mainly of required reading), however I did TRY. The problem was the sheer volume this week was just incredible. I'm hoping to catch back up today and start fresh for the week. If I can manage to read 3 chapters today and finish my clinical paperwork, I won't be golden, but I'll at least have a fighting chance to get back on schedule. I'll let you know how that goes...
I didn't exercise, like, at all. Although in clinicals on Friday, I did help move and clean a 300 pound woman. That should count for something, because I'll tell you, that was damn hard work lol. I'm really going to try hard to get those 2x in this week, though.
I did eat pretty decently this week. Not great, but better than my usual. Yesterday I finally went to the store and stocked up on a bunch of healthy stuff. I didn't buy any junk food for myself, so that should take care of that! As long as I don't go out anywhere and stick to what I bought, my diet will be fine. I'm going to start taking pictures of what I eat, too. I promise I won't dump it all on you here, but I do plan on making a photo food journal. I used to keep a written journal, but I find I don't feel as accountable as actually seeing what all I ate does. I may post the highlights or especially smart ideas, but I promise I won't bore you with every meal I eat, every day of the week :D
I didn't meditate every day, but I did manage it three times. That's a start, right? And I am trying to be more relaxed and mindful all the time.
Unfortunately I did continue to neglect my hubby this week. It's not that I didn't try, but as I mentioned before the workload was a bit much this week. I did make an effort to cook a meal for us a couple times, where we sat down and actually got to chat. And I made his lunch for work a couple times, too. I think it's a start in letting him know I care, even when I'm busy. Though he does wish I had more time for him, I'm lucky in that he is perfectly content playing his computer games and such while I study. Some of my classmates say their husbands actually get angry because they don't have enough time for them. That's just crazy to me! What else are they supposed to do? Flunk out?? Insanity. I am very fortunate.
Just like everything else, I did mediocre at best at my listening (and not sharing) goal. Although I still felt my mouth take over and feel the need to chime in way too often, I did attempt to listen more than I talked. It's nice to hear what other people have to say, I just have to give them the opportunity to say it.
My facebook hiatus was the one thing I actually succeeded at! It was the easiest one, I know, but it's something! I still have that instinct to, whenever I get on the computer, pull up my browser and type in Facebook.com, but I fought the urge! I didn't go on once except to pop in yesterday and catch up for a minute. And I'm cool with that. Once a week still keep's me up to date on what's going on in people's lives, without facebook becoming my life.
Not a bad first week, but hoping for more success next week! Of course, I will keep you posted :)
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Passions...
Otherwise known as, things I wish I had time for and maybe will once I'm out of school?? In no particular order, just how they come to mind.
- I want to learn how to play the sax... Well, better. Taught myself a few years ago and didn't keep with it. I have absolutely no muscle tone in my jaw to play reed instruments anymore :/
- Learn how to play the piano. Probably my number one! Well, tied with learning Spanish and German...
- Learn German. My husband is fluent and I would love to be able to take part in teaching our future children. Also some of his family doesn't know English and it would be so much easier to get to know them if I didn't have to have everything interpreted.
- Learn Spanish - I live in Texas. It would make my life and other's lives so much easier!
- Pick up the clarinet, again. Was first chair for most of my school career and then stopped to play tennis.
- Play some jazz
- Finally learn how to use my computer and compile my own versions of said jazz music (see above) with my newly acquired piano, clarinet and sax skills
- Play competitive tennis again
- Figure out that whole knitting thing. My mother-in-law attempted to teach me, but I kept forgetting key parts!
- Be an RN. And a good one, at that.
- Get a master's in nutrition?
- Paint. All the time. Perhaps naked and on the balcony of a white southern mansion circa 1945. Oh, wait, that's a scene from the Notebook. But really, I do love to paint. It's too bad I don't have much talent for it.
- Maybe draw a little, too.
- Listen to NPR Science Friday. All day, every Friday.
- Finally get on all those ideas for books. And FINISH them!
- Travel. Anywhere. Everywhere.
- Visit my friends in other cities, states and countries.
- Read all sacred religious texts. Read most of the bible (the new unerring word of god, not the old one that used to be the unerrant word of god, but we changed our minds...), but there is so much more to see! It's like a little glimpse into the psyche of different cultures at different points in history. Just fascinating.
- Read every book in the world. Because you know, that's totally possible. And I'm sure I'd like everyyy single one. (Side Note: Worst books ever and proof I will not like every book ever? The Yearling and Moby Dick. Ew.)
As you can see, my problem is I enjoy doing too many things. How can I fit it all into one lifetime?
Also, when you dabble in everything, you don't end up good at anything! lol. I'm mediocre at best in a select few and mostly suck at everything else. But hey, like my past post said, perfection isn't what matters, enjoyment is!
Also, when you dabble in everything, you don't end up good at anything! lol. I'm mediocre at best in a select few and mostly suck at everything else. But hey, like my past post said, perfection isn't what matters, enjoyment is!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Clinicals
Thursdays and Fridays are my clinical days.
In case I haven't mentioned it before, this is my first semester in Nursing School and that makes this my first clinical rotation. Me and 8 of my classmates (I have a class of 79, and they split us up into smaller groups at different hospitals and units.) are at the med-surg unit for 4 weeks and the oncology unit for one.
So I was in med-surg and will be for the remaining two weeks of the class, as I did my oncology rotation last week.
It was an interesting two days. Well, three really. Because on Wednesdays we go to our unit and pick our patients. You see who's available, ask their permission to be your victim and if they say yes, research their chart, condition and any other pertinent information you can get your hands on. That way you're prepared (or as much as you can be) for taking care of them. Normally Wednesdays are pretty short. It usually takes only about an hour to do what you need to do.
But of course, THIS Wednesday, our first picking our OWN patients - not assigned by faculty - THEY RAN OUT OF PATIENTS.
No joke.
You can choose your own time to pop in and pick and I chose to go a little later around 4pm (everyone else went around 1:30). My train of thought was by then, the docs and nurses would know pretty definitively who was going and who was staying. God forbid I do all of this work and research only for them to go home later that afternoon and have to do it all over again the next day! And for all intents and purposes, my plan worked. The problem was, everyone was leaving.
Yeah. When I got there at 4, two of the girls who had been there since 1:30 were STILL there! Just waiting to see if someone was either coming in from ER or not going to be discharged. And just our luck, exactly two were expected to. And if you've done the math that means three students and two patients.
Well, shit! I of course was going to let the other two get them. They've already been waiting two, coming up on three hours! I'm not going to swoop in and snatch the new patients! So I called my professor and she recommended coming back later, because in all likelihood all of those empty beds were going to be re-filled. So that's what I did. And at 7, back I come. The other two students are STILL THERE WAITING!! I had enough time to read a whole chapter while they were stuck here waiting! How cray cray is that?
Well, as luck would have it, at 8:30 when I think there is no hope and I don't know what I'm going to do, one of my classmates hears from an RN that there is another patient coming up from ER. And did I snatch that up faster than you can say FUCKTHISSHIT. So luckily, it all worked out, and I left around 9:15pm only to return at 6:45am. And the best part? I'm not even getting paid for this shit yet, lol. I'M paying THEM!
Turns out it was the first clinicals where I wasn't panicked and miserable all day, both days. I actually feel like I'm getting into the swing of things. Well, as much as possible, I mean I'm going to be clueless for quite some time, but at least I feel like I'm progressing like I should be. And that's all I want! I don't expect be the world's best RN the fourth week of school, but I do want to feel like I've got a handle on the objectives and situations expected of me!
Also, I think it helps that the staff is getting used to us and thus hating us a little less. Now that they know what our limits are, they are more comfortable asking us to do this or that and suddenly we went from 'annoying and in the way' (understandably so...) to the people they can shove all the easy, time consuming crap off on. And let me tell you: We are happy to do it. We want to be helpful and liked. And if that means helping with bedpans and bed baths, bring it on!
So all in all, a MUCH better experience than the last two weeks. THANK GOODNESS. I was getting worried there for a second, lol. Maybe this nursing school thing won't be SO bad, after-all. Just marginally hellish is fine with me :) I'll let you know how next week goes!
In case I haven't mentioned it before, this is my first semester in Nursing School and that makes this my first clinical rotation. Me and 8 of my classmates (I have a class of 79, and they split us up into smaller groups at different hospitals and units.) are at the med-surg unit for 4 weeks and the oncology unit for one.
So I was in med-surg and will be for the remaining two weeks of the class, as I did my oncology rotation last week.
It was an interesting two days. Well, three really. Because on Wednesdays we go to our unit and pick our patients. You see who's available, ask their permission to be your victim and if they say yes, research their chart, condition and any other pertinent information you can get your hands on. That way you're prepared (or as much as you can be) for taking care of them. Normally Wednesdays are pretty short. It usually takes only about an hour to do what you need to do.
But of course, THIS Wednesday, our first picking our OWN patients - not assigned by faculty - THEY RAN OUT OF PATIENTS.
No joke.
You can choose your own time to pop in and pick and I chose to go a little later around 4pm (everyone else went around 1:30). My train of thought was by then, the docs and nurses would know pretty definitively who was going and who was staying. God forbid I do all of this work and research only for them to go home later that afternoon and have to do it all over again the next day! And for all intents and purposes, my plan worked. The problem was, everyone was leaving.
Yeah. When I got there at 4, two of the girls who had been there since 1:30 were STILL there! Just waiting to see if someone was either coming in from ER or not going to be discharged. And just our luck, exactly two were expected to. And if you've done the math that means three students and two patients.
Well, shit! I of course was going to let the other two get them. They've already been waiting two, coming up on three hours! I'm not going to swoop in and snatch the new patients! So I called my professor and she recommended coming back later, because in all likelihood all of those empty beds were going to be re-filled. So that's what I did. And at 7, back I come. The other two students are STILL THERE WAITING!! I had enough time to read a whole chapter while they were stuck here waiting! How cray cray is that?
Well, as luck would have it, at 8:30 when I think there is no hope and I don't know what I'm going to do, one of my classmates hears from an RN that there is another patient coming up from ER. And did I snatch that up faster than you can say FUCKTHISSHIT. So luckily, it all worked out, and I left around 9:15pm only to return at 6:45am. And the best part? I'm not even getting paid for this shit yet, lol. I'M paying THEM!
Turns out it was the first clinicals where I wasn't panicked and miserable all day, both days. I actually feel like I'm getting into the swing of things. Well, as much as possible, I mean I'm going to be clueless for quite some time, but at least I feel like I'm progressing like I should be. And that's all I want! I don't expect be the world's best RN the fourth week of school, but I do want to feel like I've got a handle on the objectives and situations expected of me!
Also, I think it helps that the staff is getting used to us and thus hating us a little less. Now that they know what our limits are, they are more comfortable asking us to do this or that and suddenly we went from 'annoying and in the way' (understandably so...) to the people they can shove all the easy, time consuming crap off on. And let me tell you: We are happy to do it. We want to be helpful and liked. And if that means helping with bedpans and bed baths, bring it on!
So all in all, a MUCH better experience than the last two weeks. THANK GOODNESS. I was getting worried there for a second, lol. Maybe this nursing school thing won't be SO bad, after-all. Just marginally hellish is fine with me :) I'll let you know how next week goes!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
"Never forget that the perfect is the enemy of the good."
A quote from The Simple Dollar, a blog essentially about getting more of what you want of out your finances. Often the posts, though related to finances, branch off into the interrelated topics that motivate our spending. And that's why I love it! I know I should save more, spend less, but there is so much more to how and why we spend our money.
How true is that quote, though? I mean, is the man right or is he right??
I am a perfectionist through and through and sometimes I feel like I miss out on experiences, happiness, improvement and many other things, because I'm too concerned with being perfect.
Nursing school is the perfect example (: . I am willing to bet that over half the time that I find myself really stressed/nervous/gettingamigraine/whatever it stems from my strange need to be "perfect" or pathologically trying avoid making a mistake. I worry that it causes me to miss out on jumping in there and getting my hands dirty and really seeing what the hell this nursing thing is all about.
Another good example is my wedding day. I had fun and it was a special day and all, but I really missed out on a lot, because I was too busy being upset that this or that "went wrong" and trying to "fix" it, instead of just saying "fuck it!" and go have a grand ol' time.
I think that needs to be added to my change list from my last entry.
Speaking of which, I've been noting my improvement here and there in a draft entry that I plan on posting at the end of the week. I was hoping to do brief, daily reflections on how things are going, but that's turned out to be a hilariously optimistic ideal. Just to give you an idea on the excess of time I've had this week, I didn't get home from the hospital until 9:15pm last night only to have to be back at 6:45am today -.- It was awesome. Especially considering I'm paying them and not the other way around. Yay, school.
How true is that quote, though? I mean, is the man right or is he right??
I am a perfectionist through and through and sometimes I feel like I miss out on experiences, happiness, improvement and many other things, because I'm too concerned with being perfect.
Nursing school is the perfect example (: . I am willing to bet that over half the time that I find myself really stressed/nervous/gettingamigraine/whatever it stems from my strange need to be "perfect" or pathologically trying avoid making a mistake. I worry that it causes me to miss out on jumping in there and getting my hands dirty and really seeing what the hell this nursing thing is all about.
Another good example is my wedding day. I had fun and it was a special day and all, but I really missed out on a lot, because I was too busy being upset that this or that "went wrong" and trying to "fix" it, instead of just saying "fuck it!" and go have a grand ol' time.
I think that needs to be added to my change list from my last entry.
Speaking of which, I've been noting my improvement here and there in a draft entry that I plan on posting at the end of the week. I was hoping to do brief, daily reflections on how things are going, but that's turned out to be a hilariously optimistic ideal. Just to give you an idea on the excess of time I've had this week, I didn't get home from the hospital until 9:15pm last night only to have to be back at 6:45am today -.- It was awesome. Especially considering I'm paying them and not the other way around. Yay, school.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Promise.
This last week I've really gotten behind in my studying!
I was ahead for so many weeks.
Then I slacked a little and was just doing things as they were assigned/needed.
And now I'm officially behind.
And it is a lot and all, but it is still completely my fault that I lost my lead.
I've been lazy
and procrastinating.
(((I know it's a bit ironic to talk about not procrastinating tomorrow, but today really is a lost cause.)))
I'm going to DO my stinking HOMEWORK! And I guess when I say this, I don't mean homework per se, I mean more like do the assigned readings BEFORE the lecture like I was. And finish my clinical paperwork the same night instead of three nights later right before it's due.
I'm going to follow my calendar. No more last minute re-working to make more time for procrastinating.
Eat healthy. I'm going to stop using food as a crutch for comfort because "I've had a hard day." Eating healthy is a must and if I'm going to be able to keep up with this grueling school schedule, I need to be nourished! Hydration will be a big priority and I'll use the My Plate guideline like I know I should (my nutrition professor would be proud), meaning half veggies and fruits and one quarter protein and one quarter carbs -Complex carbs, that is- oh and don't forget that dairy :) Milk with dinner from now on. Though, for the record, reasonable, nightly desserts will not be denied me.
Exercise. Twice a week minimum. I always mean to and I never do! I did well this summer, but since the semester began it's completely gone by the wayside. I always have all these excuses about why I won't or shouldn't, but the fact of the matter is, it's like a natural caffeine high! It'll help me stay awake during the day and fall asleep at a normal time at night. I don't have a gym membership and really want one (our local gym has a pool, which is my FAVE thing to do for exercise!) But it's expensive and I want to make sure I'm really going to use it (unlike my husband who has had his membership for 2 and a half years and hasn't gone in 2 of those -.-) before I go and shell out all this money. So, if I keep up working out at least 2 times a week (of course, the more often the better, but that's a good starting point) I will get a membership. In the meantime, running on the local middle school track or around the neighborhood (although, the pavement really hurts my joints) is free! Or calisthenics in my living room. Or I could start up Insanity again?? Though, I really think I want to wait and be a little more in shape than I am now to jump on that train again... Anyways...
Meditate when I get home from school or clinicals. I need to make sure I'm managing my stress levels to stay healthy and that's a great way to do it. Also, I think it will help me get centered and focused on what I need to accomplish for the evening or next day. I think I'll start with 5-10 minutes, probably setting my phone alarm in the beginning to make sure I'm not skimping.
Stop neglecting my husband. Now, we both knew that things would be a little harder when I started school. He has to pull more of his weight around the house; cleaning, shopping, meals, etc. And he has REALLY stepped up to the plate! (Have I mentioned that I couldn't do it without him?? Gosh, I love that man.) But by adhering better to my studying goals/schedule, I will have more time to spend with him. I shudder to think how much time I waste on facebook or just procrastinating around, when I could be saving it and spending it with him. Also, after a long, stressful/exciting day, I want to talk all about it. I mean, I do ask the required, "How was your day, honey?" but for the most part all I do is talk about me me me me. It's selfish and it's unacceptable. Also, I'm embarrassed to admit how long it's been since we had some bedroom time. My goal is to make the effort to be intimate at LEAST once a week. Now, when I say intimate I don't necessarily mean sexytime. I mean accomplishing my study goals and going and just SEEING the guy! Talk to him. Give him a hug and a kiss! BE PRESENT. And whatever follows, well, great :)
Be a Listener. Kind of goes with what I was saying above. I worry I might be an over-sharer and that it might come off as being self-centered or selfish. When people are talking about themselves, in my mind, a good way to bond is to share about myself in relation to the topic they were talking about. But I don't want to be the person people know way too much about, I want to be a Listener. That person you can go to and really be heard. Also, I think it never hurts to be more observant and introspective.
Get the FUCK off FACEBOOK. I waste so much time there. 98% of that time I'm on it, I'm just being nosy and procrastinating doing what I actually should be. My goal is to take a week long hiatus and see where I'm at. How hard was it? Do I have a lot more free time? Am I getting more done? It also kind of relates to the sharing less thing. People that half the time I wouldn't say 'Hi' to in the street really don't need or want to know most of what I'm doing on a daily basis! It's just not that interesting. (For the record, I totally don't count this blog. I consider this my journal, so it falls under the introspection category ;]) I think my overall goal regarding Facebook for the long haul would be for it to not be a daily occurrence, more like a pop in once a week and see what people are up to kind of thing. But like I said, I'll start with a week and see.
I think that about covers it. Now that you've seen my faults, you must think I'm a pretty awesome person, huh. Selfish, gluttonous, lazy. I know, until now you thought I was perfect. It's like when you first realized your parents have sex. Rocks you to the very core.
:D
I'll keep you posted on how it all goes. Wish me luck!
I was ahead for so many weeks.
Then I slacked a little and was just doing things as they were assigned/needed.
And now I'm officially behind.
And it is a lot and all, but it is still completely my fault that I lost my lead.
I've been lazy
and procrastinating.
So tonight, it stops!
Tomorrow I am going to do all the crap I've been meaning to and planning on and putting off until tomorrow.(((I know it's a bit ironic to talk about not procrastinating tomorrow, but today really is a lost cause.)))
I'm going to DO my stinking HOMEWORK! And I guess when I say this, I don't mean homework per se, I mean more like do the assigned readings BEFORE the lecture like I was. And finish my clinical paperwork the same night instead of three nights later right before it's due.
I'm going to follow my calendar. No more last minute re-working to make more time for procrastinating.
Eat healthy. I'm going to stop using food as a crutch for comfort because "I've had a hard day." Eating healthy is a must and if I'm going to be able to keep up with this grueling school schedule, I need to be nourished! Hydration will be a big priority and I'll use the My Plate guideline like I know I should (my nutrition professor would be proud), meaning half veggies and fruits and one quarter protein and one quarter carbs -Complex carbs, that is- oh and don't forget that dairy :) Milk with dinner from now on. Though, for the record, reasonable, nightly desserts will not be denied me.
Exercise. Twice a week minimum. I always mean to and I never do! I did well this summer, but since the semester began it's completely gone by the wayside. I always have all these excuses about why I won't or shouldn't, but the fact of the matter is, it's like a natural caffeine high! It'll help me stay awake during the day and fall asleep at a normal time at night. I don't have a gym membership and really want one (our local gym has a pool, which is my FAVE thing to do for exercise!) But it's expensive and I want to make sure I'm really going to use it (unlike my husband who has had his membership for 2 and a half years and hasn't gone in 2 of those -.-) before I go and shell out all this money. So, if I keep up working out at least 2 times a week (of course, the more often the better, but that's a good starting point) I will get a membership. In the meantime, running on the local middle school track or around the neighborhood (although, the pavement really hurts my joints) is free! Or calisthenics in my living room. Or I could start up Insanity again?? Though, I really think I want to wait and be a little more in shape than I am now to jump on that train again... Anyways...
Meditate when I get home from school or clinicals. I need to make sure I'm managing my stress levels to stay healthy and that's a great way to do it. Also, I think it will help me get centered and focused on what I need to accomplish for the evening or next day. I think I'll start with 5-10 minutes, probably setting my phone alarm in the beginning to make sure I'm not skimping.
Stop neglecting my husband. Now, we both knew that things would be a little harder when I started school. He has to pull more of his weight around the house; cleaning, shopping, meals, etc. And he has REALLY stepped up to the plate! (Have I mentioned that I couldn't do it without him?? Gosh, I love that man.) But by adhering better to my studying goals/schedule, I will have more time to spend with him. I shudder to think how much time I waste on facebook or just procrastinating around, when I could be saving it and spending it with him. Also, after a long, stressful/exciting day, I want to talk all about it. I mean, I do ask the required, "How was your day, honey?" but for the most part all I do is talk about me me me me. It's selfish and it's unacceptable. Also, I'm embarrassed to admit how long it's been since we had some bedroom time. My goal is to make the effort to be intimate at LEAST once a week. Now, when I say intimate I don't necessarily mean sexytime. I mean accomplishing my study goals and going and just SEEING the guy! Talk to him. Give him a hug and a kiss! BE PRESENT. And whatever follows, well, great :)
Be a Listener. Kind of goes with what I was saying above. I worry I might be an over-sharer and that it might come off as being self-centered or selfish. When people are talking about themselves, in my mind, a good way to bond is to share about myself in relation to the topic they were talking about. But I don't want to be the person people know way too much about, I want to be a Listener. That person you can go to and really be heard. Also, I think it never hurts to be more observant and introspective.
Get the FUCK off FACEBOOK. I waste so much time there. 98% of that time I'm on it, I'm just being nosy and procrastinating doing what I actually should be. My goal is to take a week long hiatus and see where I'm at. How hard was it? Do I have a lot more free time? Am I getting more done? It also kind of relates to the sharing less thing. People that half the time I wouldn't say 'Hi' to in the street really don't need or want to know most of what I'm doing on a daily basis! It's just not that interesting. (For the record, I totally don't count this blog. I consider this my journal, so it falls under the introspection category ;]) I think my overall goal regarding Facebook for the long haul would be for it to not be a daily occurrence, more like a pop in once a week and see what people are up to kind of thing. But like I said, I'll start with a week and see.
I think that about covers it. Now that you've seen my faults, you must think I'm a pretty awesome person, huh. Selfish, gluttonous, lazy. I know, until now you thought I was perfect. It's like when you first realized your parents have sex. Rocks you to the very core.
:D
I'll keep you posted on how it all goes. Wish me luck!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Okay, so I removed my rant about my stupid neighbors. I vented and it's over! I will remain patient and be the bigger person. You're welcome world.
Last night was a very fun evening. I really wish I could have gotten some hard-core studying in, but so life goes. Back in May, I bought my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and (step-)Mom (whom I consider to be a true mother figure, step or otherwise) tickets to a basic wine tasting course. We've been trying and trying to make the time and hadn't been able to till now! So studying be damned, sometimes life is a little more important :)
I picked everyone op, we drove the hour out to the beautiful Texas Hill Country and arrived at this beautiful place that was a lot more modern looking than I expected. I'm not really sure what I expected, but apparently this wasn't it! There was a neighboring ranch with ponies, llamas, cattle and donkeys just hanging out and observing people. It was really cute.
The wine tasting was a lot of fun and veryyy tasty. They taught what the different aspects of the wine meant. Like the opacity indicates age or slurping can actually help you identify differing, complex notes. The lady directing the class did a great job of speaking slow enough where we all really got what she was saying, but not so slow it was boring. It was a fun, friendly atmosphere.
After the tasting we sat outside for just a bit, went over to see the animals and chatted. Then headed to a DELISH local Italian restaurant. You never know what could unfold when you bring two different families together, but it went off without a hitch and a fun time was had by all.
After I dropped off my mother- and sister-in-law, I went back to my Mom's and had coffee. My sisters weren't there and my brother was off in his lair doing his own thing, so I got some unusual one-on-one (well, one-on-two) time with my parents. It was so nice. I really appreciated the time. We talked about what was going on in our lives, I talked about school, my dad talked about his business. We talked religion and politics in a philosophical way, which I thoroughly enjoy. We talked about the past, present and future and I really appreciated it.
It made me very aware of how time flies and how the time we get with each other really is very precious! Even though I almost have to check out of life for these next two years of nursing school, I can't check out completely. And I have to be aware of what I'm actually sacrificing and really try not to sacrifice too much. Balance is important.
God, I can't wait till I'm done with this school chapter. And I get to have a life! And do normal people things. Cannot. Freaking. Wait.
Sigh. But I know that time will come.
Anyways, we stayed up till 2am talking and laughing. I got home not too long after, showered and hit the hay.
And today... Well, I have had a very productive day today... Especially in light of the fact that I have clinical paperwork to do and seven chapters to read. Um, NOT. :D
I slept in until 10am. Woops... Spent nearly an hour eating breakfast and watching two episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Then top-to-bottom sanitized, cleaned and re-organized the fridge for an hour. Then went on the computer and watched funny pet videos for an hour and then I watched/cried about animal rescue videos for an hour.
On a totally off topic branching of this post:
Animals really do touch my heart.
I want to save them all.
The fact that some animals are born and suffer their whole lives just hurts my soul.
I just can't stand it sometimes.
Helping them is probably the most important, special goal in my life.
To me, getting through nursing school is what will enable me to help these animals.
Once I am an RN and have a job and we can get financially stable,
options open up. You have the money and the resources and time to actually make a difference.
It will still be hard, but even if I can only help one dog or cat at a time, saving one life is worth all of the struggle.
Unfortunately in the mean time, with a 70 hour school week between class, studying and clinicals, I don't get to help much. But I do what I can. Help find homes. Try to donate here and there, even if it's only a little time or a little money. But it's all that I can give.
And one day, maybe I'll reach my dreams of having my own rescue. And maybe, if I'm really lucky, I can be an advocate politically for them too.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure this was by far my most disjointed, strange and wandering post yet. And I'm almost sorry, but I'm glad that I'm putting all of this stuff down uninhibited. I like being able to look back. Also, I like to use these entries as a kind of therapy. I can't really understand why writing with no intention for others to read it makes me feel better, but it really does.
Last night was a very fun evening. I really wish I could have gotten some hard-core studying in, but so life goes. Back in May, I bought my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and (step-)Mom (whom I consider to be a true mother figure, step or otherwise) tickets to a basic wine tasting course. We've been trying and trying to make the time and hadn't been able to till now! So studying be damned, sometimes life is a little more important :)
I picked everyone op, we drove the hour out to the beautiful Texas Hill Country and arrived at this beautiful place that was a lot more modern looking than I expected. I'm not really sure what I expected, but apparently this wasn't it! There was a neighboring ranch with ponies, llamas, cattle and donkeys just hanging out and observing people. It was really cute.
The wine tasting was a lot of fun and veryyy tasty. They taught what the different aspects of the wine meant. Like the opacity indicates age or slurping can actually help you identify differing, complex notes. The lady directing the class did a great job of speaking slow enough where we all really got what she was saying, but not so slow it was boring. It was a fun, friendly atmosphere.
After the tasting we sat outside for just a bit, went over to see the animals and chatted. Then headed to a DELISH local Italian restaurant. You never know what could unfold when you bring two different families together, but it went off without a hitch and a fun time was had by all.
After I dropped off my mother- and sister-in-law, I went back to my Mom's and had coffee. My sisters weren't there and my brother was off in his lair doing his own thing, so I got some unusual one-on-one (well, one-on-two) time with my parents. It was so nice. I really appreciated the time. We talked about what was going on in our lives, I talked about school, my dad talked about his business. We talked religion and politics in a philosophical way, which I thoroughly enjoy. We talked about the past, present and future and I really appreciated it.
It made me very aware of how time flies and how the time we get with each other really is very precious! Even though I almost have to check out of life for these next two years of nursing school, I can't check out completely. And I have to be aware of what I'm actually sacrificing and really try not to sacrifice too much. Balance is important.
God, I can't wait till I'm done with this school chapter. And I get to have a life! And do normal people things. Cannot. Freaking. Wait.
Sigh. But I know that time will come.
Anyways, we stayed up till 2am talking and laughing. I got home not too long after, showered and hit the hay.
And today... Well, I have had a very productive day today... Especially in light of the fact that I have clinical paperwork to do and seven chapters to read. Um, NOT. :D
I slept in until 10am. Woops... Spent nearly an hour eating breakfast and watching two episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Then top-to-bottom sanitized, cleaned and re-organized the fridge for an hour. Then went on the computer and watched funny pet videos for an hour and then I watched/cried about animal rescue videos for an hour.
On a totally off topic branching of this post:
Animals really do touch my heart.
I want to save them all.
The fact that some animals are born and suffer their whole lives just hurts my soul.
I just can't stand it sometimes.
Helping them is probably the most important, special goal in my life.
To me, getting through nursing school is what will enable me to help these animals.
Once I am an RN and have a job and we can get financially stable,
options open up. You have the money and the resources and time to actually make a difference.
It will still be hard, but even if I can only help one dog or cat at a time, saving one life is worth all of the struggle.
Unfortunately in the mean time, with a 70 hour school week between class, studying and clinicals, I don't get to help much. But I do what I can. Help find homes. Try to donate here and there, even if it's only a little time or a little money. But it's all that I can give.
And one day, maybe I'll reach my dreams of having my own rescue. And maybe, if I'm really lucky, I can be an advocate politically for them too.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure this was by far my most disjointed, strange and wandering post yet. And I'm almost sorry, but I'm glad that I'm putting all of this stuff down uninhibited. I like being able to look back. Also, I like to use these entries as a kind of therapy. I can't really understand why writing with no intention for others to read it makes me feel better, but it really does.
The First Day I Didn't Get A Migraine
!!!!!!
I don't know if it was because I subconsciously was more relaxed than the other clinical days? Was it because I really tried to stay hydrated? Ate a snack? Took some ibuprofen BEFORE the crippling headache started? I DON'T KNOW. But it was wonderful.
The day was actually pretty good, too. I mean, I'm still as clueless as ever, but our patient got discharged last night and so we got to shadow the two RNs on the floor. It was really interesting and extremely helpful to get to see what their days are actually like!
Now about RNs. They are not only psychic and can simultaneously anticipate what the patient needs and any of my stupid questions, but apparently they have bionic hearing too? I felt about a half hour behind everything she did, lol. She would overhear me talking to a patient (6 doors down? wha??) and come speeding in with whatever the patient wanted or needed before I even had time to turn around and leave the room.
I have to laugh at myself again, for my cluelessness. She asked me to get her "Some petroleum jelly, a bag of saline, two secondaries and a primary." and like the faithful little retriever dog I am, I nodded and walked purposefully off to the supply room... On the way realizing... What the fuck are secondaries and primaries? I REALLY didn't want to have to go back and ask her so I scoured the room for anything with those words on it. Lol. And then I realized I didn't know what size saline?? So I just grabbed whatever bag looked similar to the one she had. Oh yeah and it took me like ten freaking minutes to find the jelly. Holy God I felt like such an idiot! But I managed to bring it back within the half hour and she didn't even ask why it took me so long. Bless her.
I asked her how long it took for this feeling to end. She laughed and said about six months after she first started working. 0.0 I'm going to feel this lost for that long! *cries* And she added not to lose hope, that your brain will be complete mush for the first year and that's normal. *cries again*
I have this extreme perfectionistic streak in me that I have got to let go of if I'm going to make it through nursing school! Yes, I am going to look like a moron 99% of the time. Yes, I am going to make a lot of mistakes. Most of them really stupid. Yes, I am going to be embarrassed and awkward probably for quite some time. And I just need to accept that! Trying to be "perfect" is completely outside of the world of possibilities and trying to aim for that is just going to make me lose my mind.
SO, in an effort to finally accept these facts I've decided that if I leave on Fridays intact and not on some sort of anti-psychotic med, that the week was a success. THAT will be my new goal, lol, not my previous goal of 'Try not to be clueless.'
I don't know if it was because I subconsciously was more relaxed than the other clinical days? Was it because I really tried to stay hydrated? Ate a snack? Took some ibuprofen BEFORE the crippling headache started? I DON'T KNOW. But it was wonderful.
The day was actually pretty good, too. I mean, I'm still as clueless as ever, but our patient got discharged last night and so we got to shadow the two RNs on the floor. It was really interesting and extremely helpful to get to see what their days are actually like!
Now about RNs. They are not only psychic and can simultaneously anticipate what the patient needs and any of my stupid questions, but apparently they have bionic hearing too? I felt about a half hour behind everything she did, lol. She would overhear me talking to a patient (6 doors down? wha??) and come speeding in with whatever the patient wanted or needed before I even had time to turn around and leave the room.
I have to laugh at myself again, for my cluelessness. She asked me to get her "Some petroleum jelly, a bag of saline, two secondaries and a primary." and like the faithful little retriever dog I am, I nodded and walked purposefully off to the supply room... On the way realizing... What the fuck are secondaries and primaries? I REALLY didn't want to have to go back and ask her so I scoured the room for anything with those words on it. Lol. And then I realized I didn't know what size saline?? So I just grabbed whatever bag looked similar to the one she had. Oh yeah and it took me like ten freaking minutes to find the jelly. Holy God I felt like such an idiot! But I managed to bring it back within the half hour and she didn't even ask why it took me so long. Bless her.
I asked her how long it took for this feeling to end. She laughed and said about six months after she first started working. 0.0 I'm going to feel this lost for that long! *cries* And she added not to lose hope, that your brain will be complete mush for the first year and that's normal. *cries again*
I have this extreme perfectionistic streak in me that I have got to let go of if I'm going to make it through nursing school! Yes, I am going to look like a moron 99% of the time. Yes, I am going to make a lot of mistakes. Most of them really stupid. Yes, I am going to be embarrassed and awkward probably for quite some time. And I just need to accept that! Trying to be "perfect" is completely outside of the world of possibilities and trying to aim for that is just going to make me lose my mind.
SO, in an effort to finally accept these facts I've decided that if I leave on Fridays intact and not on some sort of anti-psychotic med, that the week was a success. THAT will be my new goal, lol, not my previous goal of 'Try not to be clueless.'
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The long road ahead,
seems longer today.
Is it Thanksgiving yet??
Cause I could really use a break.
Second week of clinicals today. Me and my partner were in the Oncology unit (and will be again, tomorrow. Back to med-surg for the remaining 3 weeks of this rotation.) But first, let me tell you about last week...
Last week (med-surg unit) was an exercise in patience and humility. I felt like an absolute moron. And most of my classmates did too-which made me feel a little better-but I hate feeling so clueless! You don't know where anything is, what the normal routine is, how to act/deal with people, patients, nurses, doctors. Also, no matter how out of the way you try to be, you're going to be in SOMEONE'S way. There were moments where I just wanted to melt into the wall. And let me tell you, this is not my personality! I'm usually pretty good at being calm, cool and collected under stress. Now, I did manage that on the outside (or so my classmates say...), but on the inside! OH, no.
Also, it didn't help that our nurse was kind of... Well, I don't want to say bitchy...
I try to remember that we don't know what's going on in her personal life or what kind of day she has had, but she was just so rude! Any question you asked her (and granted, I'm sure we asked some stuuupid questions) she would roll her eyes or be really snotty. Now, I know she's got 7 patients that need about 100 things right now, but short and succinct would do. I don't need to be coddled, just don't make me feel even worse than I do! So after a few times where you ask or tell her something and she goes and laughs about your idiocy with her friends (Happened. Twice.), you begin to REALLY dread going over to her.
The CNA's were super nice though. And this merciful RN who we traded answers for stupid questions, for running her lab specimens and such around. We were glad to do it, we want to help! That's what were here for. Learning and helping. But again, every time in passing we would ask if we could do anything for our nurse she'd say no and run away from us as fast as possible.
I'm sure I'm missing something and this is somehow my fault, but it was very unpleasant. I mean, I didn't expect a cake walk, but feeling like I have to suit up for battle to report to her is very taxing.
Also, I had two partners. One (the one I'm partnered with today and tomorrow) is really sweet and pleasant to be with. However, the OTHER one, not so much. She really doesn't deal with stress well. She is EXTREMELY patronizing about the most inane things. She is a big question asker. She asks questions about everything. Which, on principle, I don't mind. But don't bother our teacher or nurse with a question that we can find out ourselves. Or my favorite, when she is doing something wrong or forgetting something and me or the other partner reminds her, she proceeds to ignore us, and the teacher/nurse walks by and corrects us -.-
SIGH. But I never have to be partnered with her, again. HALLELUJAH.
So fast forward to this morning. I was EXTREMELY nervous about getting an unpleasant nurse again and being on a different unit where everything is different, again. But it turns out, our RN was REALLY nice. She didn't baby us or anything, but she also didn't scoff when I asked her how they did this thing or that. We got to be a lot more involved than we were in the med-surg and that was really, really nice. I want to be like a sponge while I'm at the hospital and soak every bit of information I can!
Although, inevitably, it was hard to see the reality of the oncology unit. Unfortunately, I am not as much of a stranger to it as I wish I was, as I have had all too many friends and family have to battle the big C. But seeing it from a caretaker's perspective was different. Our patient actually only had benign tumors that were only removed because the sheer size and placement of them were interfering with normal functioning, but there were some very sick people in there.
I think I pulled it off okay, but on the inside, I just didn't know what to do or how to act. I just want to help them so badly! There were some very special people we got to meet today and that does give me renewed inspiration to get through this and get out into the world and really help some people! But at the same time, it reminded me what a long road this is.
When will I ever feel like I have a clue?? I'm afraid that answer might be never.
And my last little bit in the nursing school vent-fest, is my headaches! I don't know if it's stress, dehydration or not being used to not eating for 7-8 hours, but by the fifth hour I have a near debilitating migraine working up to a fever pitch in my head. Every day we've gone to clinicals I've gotten one. And on a 0-10 scale I would say they were at least a 7. The kind where I go home, take 800mg of ibuprofen, crawl into the fetal position in bed and try to sleep it off. Thus my game plan for tomorrow includes subbing my usual morning coffee for a couple glasses of water (okay, well maybe half a cup of coffee!), trying to run by the water fountain once an hour and bring a granola bar to stow in my pocket so right around 10/11 I'll try to sneak away for a minute and scarf it down. Also, I might bring a couple ibuprofen in like my contacts case or something to take preventatively, before the time the headaches have been starting.
Hopefully it works!
Is it Thanksgiving yet??
Cause I could really use a break.
Second week of clinicals today. Me and my partner were in the Oncology unit (and will be again, tomorrow. Back to med-surg for the remaining 3 weeks of this rotation.) But first, let me tell you about last week...
Last week (med-surg unit) was an exercise in patience and humility. I felt like an absolute moron. And most of my classmates did too-which made me feel a little better-but I hate feeling so clueless! You don't know where anything is, what the normal routine is, how to act/deal with people, patients, nurses, doctors. Also, no matter how out of the way you try to be, you're going to be in SOMEONE'S way. There were moments where I just wanted to melt into the wall. And let me tell you, this is not my personality! I'm usually pretty good at being calm, cool and collected under stress. Now, I did manage that on the outside (or so my classmates say...), but on the inside! OH, no.
Also, it didn't help that our nurse was kind of... Well, I don't want to say bitchy...
I try to remember that we don't know what's going on in her personal life or what kind of day she has had, but she was just so rude! Any question you asked her (and granted, I'm sure we asked some stuuupid questions) she would roll her eyes or be really snotty. Now, I know she's got 7 patients that need about 100 things right now, but short and succinct would do. I don't need to be coddled, just don't make me feel even worse than I do! So after a few times where you ask or tell her something and she goes and laughs about your idiocy with her friends (Happened. Twice.), you begin to REALLY dread going over to her.
The CNA's were super nice though. And this merciful RN who we traded answers for stupid questions, for running her lab specimens and such around. We were glad to do it, we want to help! That's what were here for. Learning and helping. But again, every time in passing we would ask if we could do anything for our nurse she'd say no and run away from us as fast as possible.
I'm sure I'm missing something and this is somehow my fault, but it was very unpleasant. I mean, I didn't expect a cake walk, but feeling like I have to suit up for battle to report to her is very taxing.
Also, I had two partners. One (the one I'm partnered with today and tomorrow) is really sweet and pleasant to be with. However, the OTHER one, not so much. She really doesn't deal with stress well. She is EXTREMELY patronizing about the most inane things. She is a big question asker. She asks questions about everything. Which, on principle, I don't mind. But don't bother our teacher or nurse with a question that we can find out ourselves. Or my favorite, when she is doing something wrong or forgetting something and me or the other partner reminds her, she proceeds to ignore us, and the teacher/nurse walks by and corrects us -.-
SIGH. But I never have to be partnered with her, again. HALLELUJAH.
So fast forward to this morning. I was EXTREMELY nervous about getting an unpleasant nurse again and being on a different unit where everything is different, again. But it turns out, our RN was REALLY nice. She didn't baby us or anything, but she also didn't scoff when I asked her how they did this thing or that. We got to be a lot more involved than we were in the med-surg and that was really, really nice. I want to be like a sponge while I'm at the hospital and soak every bit of information I can!
Although, inevitably, it was hard to see the reality of the oncology unit. Unfortunately, I am not as much of a stranger to it as I wish I was, as I have had all too many friends and family have to battle the big C. But seeing it from a caretaker's perspective was different. Our patient actually only had benign tumors that were only removed because the sheer size and placement of them were interfering with normal functioning, but there were some very sick people in there.
I think I pulled it off okay, but on the inside, I just didn't know what to do or how to act. I just want to help them so badly! There were some very special people we got to meet today and that does give me renewed inspiration to get through this and get out into the world and really help some people! But at the same time, it reminded me what a long road this is.
When will I ever feel like I have a clue?? I'm afraid that answer might be never.
And my last little bit in the nursing school vent-fest, is my headaches! I don't know if it's stress, dehydration or not being used to not eating for 7-8 hours, but by the fifth hour I have a near debilitating migraine working up to a fever pitch in my head. Every day we've gone to clinicals I've gotten one. And on a 0-10 scale I would say they were at least a 7. The kind where I go home, take 800mg of ibuprofen, crawl into the fetal position in bed and try to sleep it off. Thus my game plan for tomorrow includes subbing my usual morning coffee for a couple glasses of water (okay, well maybe half a cup of coffee!), trying to run by the water fountain once an hour and bring a granola bar to stow in my pocket so right around 10/11 I'll try to sneak away for a minute and scarf it down. Also, I might bring a couple ibuprofen in like my contacts case or something to take preventatively, before the time the headaches have been starting.
Hopefully it works!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Only 24 hours in a day.
My husband's birthday is today. And as much as I love him and love celebrating birthdays...
Had to clean house from 8 to 11
because my birth-mom and step-dad are coming into town.
Lunch soon with my birth-mom and step-dad.
Dinner with his parents and sister.
Promised to spend time with him after dinner.
Six chapters to read for Tuesday and Wednesday lecture.
Clinical paperwork due Monday at 8am.
Exam Tuesday morning. Much review and studying necessary.
When am I going to get all of this done??
I essentially only have 3 hours of potential study time today and I have a feeling that will end up being MUCH less. So I guess the best I can do is prioritize.
First is clinical paperwork. DEFINITELY DONE TODAY.
Next the exam studying!
I suppose I'll save the reading for last because I at least have two more weeks to catch up till the exam.
Sigh! Why does life have to keep going when I'm in nursing school. Isn't there a pause button somewhere???
Had to clean house from 8 to 11
because my birth-mom and step-dad are coming into town.
Lunch soon with my birth-mom and step-dad.
Dinner with his parents and sister.
Promised to spend time with him after dinner.
Six chapters to read for Tuesday and Wednesday lecture.
Clinical paperwork due Monday at 8am.
Exam Tuesday morning. Much review and studying necessary.
When am I going to get all of this done??
I essentially only have 3 hours of potential study time today and I have a feeling that will end up being MUCH less. So I guess the best I can do is prioritize.
First is clinical paperwork. DEFINITELY DONE TODAY.
Next the exam studying!
I suppose I'll save the reading for last because I at least have two more weeks to catch up till the exam.
Sigh! Why does life have to keep going when I'm in nursing school. Isn't there a pause button somewhere???
Monday, September 10, 2012
Why is it
that the more I have on my to-do list,
the less motivation I have to do it?
3 chapters I need to read today. About 65 pages.
To retain, do my assignments and notes, I read about 5 pages an hour.
That's almost 13 hours and it's already noon.
And all I want to do?
ANYTHING else.
Doing the dishes and folding laundry never seemed so interesting...
What's with my lack of motivation this weekend??
I'd like to say it's from study overload,
but I suspect it might stem from a lack of discipline/laziness.
No, course not.
It's not me, it's school.
Right.
the less motivation I have to do it?
3 chapters I need to read today. About 65 pages.
To retain, do my assignments and notes, I read about 5 pages an hour.
That's almost 13 hours and it's already noon.
And all I want to do?
ANYTHING else.
Doing the dishes and folding laundry never seemed so interesting...
What's with my lack of motivation this weekend??
I'd like to say it's from study overload,
but I suspect it might stem from a lack of discipline/laziness.
No, course not.
It's not me, it's school.
Right.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
2 out of 3 meals today
have consisted of cake. True story.
Caramel Apple Cinnamon coffee cake, actually.
Here is the recipe. I used about a million times the cinnamon she put, but I really love the stuff.
It turned out super moist and just the right balance of all flavors.
My husband is a big fan too, because he can't get enough caramel! Win-win.
I've been reading the day away about dosage calculations, which has been just a blast, let me tell you. But I still have two more chapters I want to get done (two small ones; one about Activity & Exercise and one about communicating with patients) and I CANNOT stop piddling around! My brain needs a break!
Well, a longer one... Because I definitely just got done with my coffee/cake/one episode of How I Met Your Mother break I give myself every evening to break up the 4-10 hours of reading I do a day (depending on if it is or is not a school day.)
I need to re-focus! Easier said than done... Though, I suppose just getting started was never a bad first step.
I keep telling myself that the sooner I read these chapters, the sooner I'll have free time! -To do fun free-timey things like fold laundry, call my mother and take a shower. But it's time I'm not studying, and that's good enough for me! - ANYWAYS. That's just not motivation enough.
But, in my little time of procrastination I managed to check Facebook so much that nothing new has happened and all my e-mail has been checked. I updated my blog and now I'm left with no choice but to study! SIGH.
Amazing how I can write 7 paragraphs about nothing, isn't it?? Well, done now. Off to take that first step to the rest of my evening.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
My schedule
as of late and for the foreseeable future:
If it's a school day:
Wake up, breakfast, get ready, go to school, come home, dinner, study 'till bedtime.
If it's not a school day:
Wake up, study, lunch, study, dinner, study, sleep.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Strange thing though? Even though it's hard to keep up my motivation once I get home to study for 3-6 more hours... I love it! I can't wait to find out what the next day will bring. I've never felt this way about anything I've ever done!
Well, except for maybe in my marriage, but that goes without saying ;P
I've been a student for so long, it's nice to feel like I'm really making head-way into doing my passion!
After I finish nursing school, I plan to pursue a bridge program that takes you from an RN to MSN (getting your master's) once I finish paying off my student loans for this. But it will be different. I'll also be working and that's all online. Whole different ballgame. I'll be a nurse. I'll actually get to have a life!
But that aside, I really am loving school. Lot's of work and lot's of fun. I also love my clinical group! That sure helps.
Tomorrow we're getting a tour of the hospital and unit we'll be at for the next five weeks. For 4/5 we'll be in the med-surg unit, but also one week in oncology - which I'm pretty anxious about, but more on that later. I better get back to studying! It's already 7 and I have an entire chapter to read before bed :)
If it's a school day:
Wake up, breakfast, get ready, go to school, come home, dinner, study 'till bedtime.
If it's not a school day:
Wake up, study, lunch, study, dinner, study, sleep.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Strange thing though? Even though it's hard to keep up my motivation once I get home to study for 3-6 more hours... I love it! I can't wait to find out what the next day will bring. I've never felt this way about anything I've ever done!
Well, except for maybe in my marriage, but that goes without saying ;P
I've been a student for so long, it's nice to feel like I'm really making head-way into doing my passion!
After I finish nursing school, I plan to pursue a bridge program that takes you from an RN to MSN (getting your master's) once I finish paying off my student loans for this. But it will be different. I'll also be working and that's all online. Whole different ballgame. I'll be a nurse. I'll actually get to have a life!
But that aside, I really am loving school. Lot's of work and lot's of fun. I also love my clinical group! That sure helps.
Tomorrow we're getting a tour of the hospital and unit we'll be at for the next five weeks. For 4/5 we'll be in the med-surg unit, but also one week in oncology - which I'm pretty anxious about, but more on that later. I better get back to studying! It's already 7 and I have an entire chapter to read before bed :)
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Nursing School
is not a joke.
This is not a dril.
It's very intense!
I only started last Tuesday (the 28th) and holy wow.
I've already read 19 chapters in our main book.
Had my first quiz
and first clinical competencies.
They were simple ones! (BP, pulse, sterile gloving, blood glucose testing)
However, somewhat daunting simply because they are so simple.
I mean what wannabe nurse wants to be the idiot who jacks up the simplest stuff?
Luckily that wasn't me.
And wasn't anyone, really. So that must be a good sign!
I handle patients not this coming week,
but next week.
Why do I feel like these are not my patients, but my victims?
Terrified.
And also EXTREMELY excited!
You mean I finally get to start doing what I've been preparing for, for the last two years??
Sweet sugar tits, finally!!
Whenever I look at my favorite tumblr #whatshouldwecallnursing
I feel like one of the club now :)
Well, kind of.
More like an honorary member.
My new day consists of waking up extremely early
(for me, anyways. I consider 5am bedtime during the summer months.)
and either going to school and studying 'till bed
or waking up and studying 'till bed.
Of course, it goes without saying that between every chapter/assignment I have to spend an hour doing something absolutely pointless, and not even entertaining on my computer.
Youtube, Facebook, Pinterest.
It's amazing how there is such a direct correlation to how much school work I have and how much time I'm on social media and entertainment.
But, I think I'm doing okay with the workload so far.
First exam is Tuesday, and I think that will be the big indicator if I'm on the right track or not.
Dear sweet baby Jesus, I hope so.
Wish me luck!
This is not a dril.
It's very intense!
I only started last Tuesday (the 28th) and holy wow.
I've already read 19 chapters in our main book.
Had my first quiz
and first clinical competencies.
They were simple ones! (BP, pulse, sterile gloving, blood glucose testing)
However, somewhat daunting simply because they are so simple.
I mean what wannabe nurse wants to be the idiot who jacks up the simplest stuff?
Luckily that wasn't me.
And wasn't anyone, really. So that must be a good sign!
I handle patients not this coming week,
but next week.
Why do I feel like these are not my patients, but my victims?
Terrified.
And also EXTREMELY excited!
You mean I finally get to start doing what I've been preparing for, for the last two years??
Sweet sugar tits, finally!!
Whenever I look at my favorite tumblr #whatshouldwecallnursing
I feel like one of the club now :)
Well, kind of.
More like an honorary member.
My new day consists of waking up extremely early
(for me, anyways. I consider 5am bedtime during the summer months.)
and either going to school and studying 'till bed
or waking up and studying 'till bed.
Of course, it goes without saying that between every chapter/assignment I have to spend an hour doing something absolutely pointless, and not even entertaining on my computer.
Youtube, Facebook, Pinterest.
It's amazing how there is such a direct correlation to how much school work I have and how much time I'm on social media and entertainment.
But, I think I'm doing okay with the workload so far.
First exam is Tuesday, and I think that will be the big indicator if I'm on the right track or not.
Dear sweet baby Jesus, I hope so.
Wish me luck!
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Bottom Line
Mitt Romney wants
to force me to have children, regardless of what their quality of life would be.
Thus, Mitt Romney believes only in having sex for conceiving children.
Which is a travesty all on it's own.
Mitt Romney lies to people like my forever-Republican grandfather to vote against his own interests,
like making Medicare a voucher program
to save the government money and instead putting that on my grandparents shoulders who put in all their life.
He wants small government only to allow corporations to run rampant
and keep the rich, richer and the poor, poorer.
The wealthy don't make jobs,
it didn't work in the 80's, it didn't work in the 2000's and it WON'T WORK NOW.
He wants to pretend that he knows God and his wishes.
Which I believe is not only blasphemy,
but could he be any further away?
Jesus was a healer and a giver. He wouldn't want people to die of preventable/treatable illnesses because they can't afford otherwise.
Mitt Romney doesn't give two shits about
the homeless, cause it's totally their fault. Not because they're disabled or alone and helpless. No, course not.
immigrants. Stealin' our women, takin' our jobs.
the environment. Too costly for business. Maybe he can buy us a new planet with all the millions his company WON'T give in raises to the middle class.
education. Keep people uneducated and they aren't smart enough to know what's best for them.
How can you look people in the eye and say you're the people's choice, when you are simply using them for your own gains? How does he sleep at night?
I can't fathom living in a nation where I am ashamed by the president. And I REALLY don't want to move! Sigh. Let's hope people are smart enough to see past the Tea Party. 0.0
to force me to have children, regardless of what their quality of life would be.
Thus, Mitt Romney believes only in having sex for conceiving children.
Which is a travesty all on it's own.
Mitt Romney lies to people like my forever-Republican grandfather to vote against his own interests,
like making Medicare a voucher program
to save the government money and instead putting that on my grandparents shoulders who put in all their life.
He wants small government only to allow corporations to run rampant
and keep the rich, richer and the poor, poorer.
The wealthy don't make jobs,
it didn't work in the 80's, it didn't work in the 2000's and it WON'T WORK NOW.
He wants to pretend that he knows God and his wishes.
Which I believe is not only blasphemy,
but could he be any further away?
Jesus was a healer and a giver. He wouldn't want people to die of preventable/treatable illnesses because they can't afford otherwise.
Mitt Romney doesn't give two shits about
the homeless, cause it's totally their fault. Not because they're disabled or alone and helpless. No, course not.
immigrants. Stealin' our women, takin' our jobs.
the environment. Too costly for business. Maybe he can buy us a new planet with all the millions his company WON'T give in raises to the middle class.
education. Keep people uneducated and they aren't smart enough to know what's best for them.
How can you look people in the eye and say you're the people's choice, when you are simply using them for your own gains? How does he sleep at night?
I can't fathom living in a nation where I am ashamed by the president. And I REALLY don't want to move! Sigh. Let's hope people are smart enough to see past the Tea Party. 0.0
Saturday, August 18, 2012
4 Hour Record
Spoke with my birth mom in the phone today. It was an all time shortest record: Under four hours. Sometimes I avoid calling (well most of the time) because who has five hours to talk on the phone every week? Also, we kind of talk about the same things over and over (both over time and during the same conversation). It's hard because she is so sweet and means so well, but keeping up with the crazy takes a lot of effort. And again, it's sweet, well-intended crazy, but still crazy.
However, today I've noticed a change. It's the first time we talked since Abby passed away and I had my enlightenment about people and my attitude. I noticed I was much better able to detach from the emotional strain of the conversation and having to keep up appearances so to speak (I lack a better explanation) and was able to really hear and understand what was going in behind the words.
When she says crazy or unlikely things, I see that she is a dreamer, trying to make that a reality in the only way available to her in this moment. Being a dreamer is probably the only reason she survived her childhood at all, even if slightly off.
I'm sure I'm describing her completely in accurately, but its just difficult for anyone to understand until they've seen it!
I explained about Chris' birthday and she was very understanding, even if I may have heard a slight tinge of disappointment. Very possibly from my paranoid imagination. All in all, a pretty successful conversation.
Towards the end, we discovered that we both thought of possibly starting writing letters since its so difficult to reach one another on the phone (my fault). I thought that was funny. I think that will be nice. Plus, how fun it is a few years down the line to look back at old letters??
Im happy with my internal attitude progress, but to continue enrichment I really ought to start meditating. Which I've been meaning to do for years now, but there is no time like the present!
However, today I've noticed a change. It's the first time we talked since Abby passed away and I had my enlightenment about people and my attitude. I noticed I was much better able to detach from the emotional strain of the conversation and having to keep up appearances so to speak (I lack a better explanation) and was able to really hear and understand what was going in behind the words.
When she says crazy or unlikely things, I see that she is a dreamer, trying to make that a reality in the only way available to her in this moment. Being a dreamer is probably the only reason she survived her childhood at all, even if slightly off.
I'm sure I'm describing her completely in accurately, but its just difficult for anyone to understand until they've seen it!
I explained about Chris' birthday and she was very understanding, even if I may have heard a slight tinge of disappointment. Very possibly from my paranoid imagination. All in all, a pretty successful conversation.
Towards the end, we discovered that we both thought of possibly starting writing letters since its so difficult to reach one another on the phone (my fault). I thought that was funny. I think that will be nice. Plus, how fun it is a few years down the line to look back at old letters??
Im happy with my internal attitude progress, but to continue enrichment I really ought to start meditating. Which I've been meaning to do for years now, but there is no time like the present!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Last Sunday,
August 5th
was my Dad's birthday.
And the day we lost our family dog.
I'm so sorry that it had to happen that way.
She had a stroke in the morning and was completely unable to see or hear, her eyes kept darting back and forth, she was extremely dizzy and off balance. She couldn't walk or shift herself. Her sense of smell and touch was all that was left. And her spirit.
She had such a beautiful heart. She was part chow and very, very independent. Talk about a dog with an agenda! She would spend all day following my dad around and all night laying around with my mother (who is a Night Owl.)
Her presence filled that home. She had so much love for all of us. Our companion and protector through the years.
Wehad have so much love for her and always will.
I went with my Dad after we all cuddled for a bit and said good-bye. That was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. He carried her in and I tried not to completely bawl knowing this would be the last place we ever got to take her.
The nurse said that it was treatable, as in she could live, but the damage was done to her body. What is a life for an independent dog who is completely unable to do anything alone? It's not a life.
I signed the document with the nurse, giving permission, and my Dad stayed with her and had a special moment alone to say good-bye and give his love.
They took her back to shave her leg and ten minutes later I saw the face I simply cannot get out of my mind. You could tell the instant she smelled us and her blank eyes lit up. It broke my heart. They're devotion and love until the very end breaks my heart. The doctor came in and we clutched and soothed her until after momentary struggle she was gone.
I bawled.
She was limp.
And then we had to leave her there. The hardest part.
Not bringing her home. I cry now, thinking about it, but getting my thoughts out does feel better. A release.
I've never seen my family so sad and I have never felt so sad. I wish I could take it all away. I wish she could be here with us another fifteen years.
I don't know how long it will take the vision of her recognition of us coming into the room she will never leave to abate. But, God, Abby I am so sorry I couldn't give you a miracle.
I miss you so much.
We did the right thing.
And I know that. And I'm glad we did.
She never had a sick day in her whole life, since she found us at my grandparent's lakehouse in the Spring of 1999. Emaciated, dirty and scared. She found us and wanted to be mine and Colin's friend. And was she the best friend we ever got.
Her last healthy night on Earth was spent eating cheetos on the couch with my mom. I know she couldn't have asked for a better last night. And I am so very grateful for that.
She was at least 15 years old. She lived a long, healthy, happy life. What more could we have asked for??
We loved her and she loved us. Every. Single. Day.
I do not believe in Heaven, though I wish I did, and in my way of coping, I promise to make other lives better because of her. People and animals alike her contribution to my life has inspired me to make a contribution to others.
Abby, I miss you. I love you. I hope you weren't afraid and I hope you know how much we love you and that we will never forget you. Rest in peace, baby.
was my Dad's birthday.
And the day we lost our family dog.
I'm so sorry that it had to happen that way.
She had a stroke in the morning and was completely unable to see or hear, her eyes kept darting back and forth, she was extremely dizzy and off balance. She couldn't walk or shift herself. Her sense of smell and touch was all that was left. And her spirit.
She had such a beautiful heart. She was part chow and very, very independent. Talk about a dog with an agenda! She would spend all day following my dad around and all night laying around with my mother (who is a Night Owl.)
Her presence filled that home. She had so much love for all of us. Our companion and protector through the years.
We
I went with my Dad after we all cuddled for a bit and said good-bye. That was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. He carried her in and I tried not to completely bawl knowing this would be the last place we ever got to take her.
The nurse said that it was treatable, as in she could live, but the damage was done to her body. What is a life for an independent dog who is completely unable to do anything alone? It's not a life.
I signed the document with the nurse, giving permission, and my Dad stayed with her and had a special moment alone to say good-bye and give his love.
They took her back to shave her leg and ten minutes later I saw the face I simply cannot get out of my mind. You could tell the instant she smelled us and her blank eyes lit up. It broke my heart. They're devotion and love until the very end breaks my heart. The doctor came in and we clutched and soothed her until after momentary struggle she was gone.
I bawled.
She was limp.
And then we had to leave her there. The hardest part.
Not bringing her home. I cry now, thinking about it, but getting my thoughts out does feel better. A release.
I've never seen my family so sad and I have never felt so sad. I wish I could take it all away. I wish she could be here with us another fifteen years.
I don't know how long it will take the vision of her recognition of us coming into the room she will never leave to abate. But, God, Abby I am so sorry I couldn't give you a miracle.
I miss you so much.
We did the right thing.
And I know that. And I'm glad we did.
She never had a sick day in her whole life, since she found us at my grandparent's lakehouse in the Spring of 1999. Emaciated, dirty and scared. She found us and wanted to be mine and Colin's friend. And was she the best friend we ever got.
Her last healthy night on Earth was spent eating cheetos on the couch with my mom. I know she couldn't have asked for a better last night. And I am so very grateful for that.
She was at least 15 years old. She lived a long, healthy, happy life. What more could we have asked for??
We loved her and she loved us. Every. Single. Day.
I do not believe in Heaven, though I wish I did, and in my way of coping, I promise to make other lives better because of her. People and animals alike her contribution to my life has inspired me to make a contribution to others.
Abby, I miss you. I love you. I hope you weren't afraid and I hope you know how much we love you and that we will never forget you. Rest in peace, baby.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
August 5th, 2012
Dear Abby baby,
I love you so much. I will miss you so much.
These both seem like the biggest understatements of the year. I wish I could see your sweet, happy face again and bring you back. But I can't.
I want to hug you.
Wrap my arms around your thick fur.
The way you seemed to always be smiling with your adorable black tongue. Your hair shedding everywhere. My heart is already empty without you here.
I can't believe your gone.
I want you back so badly. Healthy, happy, alive.
Remembering the joy on your face when they wheeled you into the room you would never leave, just because you could smell us, breaks my heart. What will we all do without you?
You will never be replaced.
You will never be forgotten.
I wished I believed in Heaven.
You will always, always be in my heart. I promise to keep your spirit in there.
I love you so much. I will miss you so much.
These both seem like the biggest understatements of the year. I wish I could see your sweet, happy face again and bring you back. But I can't.
I want to hug you.
Wrap my arms around your thick fur.
The way you seemed to always be smiling with your adorable black tongue. Your hair shedding everywhere. My heart is already empty without you here.
I can't believe your gone.
I want you back so badly. Healthy, happy, alive.
Remembering the joy on your face when they wheeled you into the room you would never leave, just because you could smell us, breaks my heart. What will we all do without you?
You will never be replaced.
You will never be forgotten.
I wished I believed in Heaven.
You will always, always be in my heart. I promise to keep your spirit in there.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Didn't
get the scholarship.
It's quite the bummer.
Going back and forth between 'Better luck next time, moving on' aaaand I was stupid to even think I could get it.
Clearly, I know which is the healthier frame of mind to be in. I'm thinking it might take a day or two of another pity party to get there. But I will get there!
It's quite the bummer.
Going back and forth between 'Better luck next time, moving on' aaaand I was stupid to even think I could get it.
Clearly, I know which is the healthier frame of mind to be in. I'm thinking it might take a day or two of another pity party to get there. But I will get there!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Some days
the world seems a little too big and a little too dark. I try to be involved in animal activism and such, but in order to do good things, you have to see a lot of horrible things. Some days that's harder than others. Some days I feel like maybe we could all make a difference... some days not so much. Today falls under the latter category.
This is what has been getting to me the last few days:
http://www.change.org/petitions/knoxville-tennessee-animal-control-board-investigate-the-death-of-theo-charge-the-owner-with-animal-cruelty#
Does anybody care? Is there ever a chance that good really wins out in the end?
Sigh.
What strikes me about that sentence is how childish it seems. "Good" and "bad". The world is mostly just a gigantic mass of gray chaos
Sigh. Again.
I think today I'm going to have a pity party on how I can't make a difference. But tomorrow, I'll be back to being optimistic and doing everything I can to help. Or at least I'll try...
This is what has been getting to me the last few days:
http://www.change.org/petitions/knoxville-tennessee-animal-control-board-investigate-the-death-of-theo-charge-the-owner-with-animal-cruelty#
Does anybody care? Is there ever a chance that good really wins out in the end?
Sigh.
What strikes me about that sentence is how childish it seems. "Good" and "bad". The world is mostly just a gigantic mass of gray chaos
Sigh. Again.
I think today I'm going to have a pity party on how I can't make a difference. But tomorrow, I'll be back to being optimistic and doing everything I can to help. Or at least I'll try...
Monday, July 2, 2012
Patriotic Wariness
I'll admit it: Patriotic holidays make me wary.
It's because Americans are kind of touchy about their 'We're better than everyone,' complex and it's borderline creepy. Especially since 9/11.
I guess it just compares to my sports post. I think it's stupid to think a place is superior to others (in this case countries, but even cities, continents, basketball teams...) just because I live here.
Cause let's all be honest. We're not superior. EVERY country has it's own ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses. Everyone remember what badasses the Greeks used to be a few centuries ago? Just because I think Sweden is cool in it's own way, doesn't make me an "America Hater". And just because I think the US has it's perks and that I live here, doesn't mean I feel the need to have some sort of superior ego about it.
Isn't this holiday supposed to be about celebrating our independence? Not that we're "better"?
Everyone knows Texas has an ego! "Everything is bigger in Texas..." especially our guns, trucks and penises.... Maybe the whole creepy/weird ego-patriotism is just in Texas?
Sigh. If only.
I guess the bottom line is that the overzealous patriotic crap just smacks wayyyy too closely of fundamentalist religions and the Nazi movement for my comfort. Although we should most certainly celebrate the people, movements, wars and hardships it took us to get here as a country, people following with the blind belief that we're better no matter what we do is dangerous.
It's because Americans are kind of touchy about their 'We're better than everyone,' complex and it's borderline creepy. Especially since 9/11.
I guess it just compares to my sports post. I think it's stupid to think a place is superior to others (in this case countries, but even cities, continents, basketball teams...) just because I live here.
Cause let's all be honest. We're not superior. EVERY country has it's own ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses. Everyone remember what badasses the Greeks used to be a few centuries ago? Just because I think Sweden is cool in it's own way, doesn't make me an "America Hater". And just because I think the US has it's perks and that I live here, doesn't mean I feel the need to have some sort of superior ego about it.
Isn't this holiday supposed to be about celebrating our independence? Not that we're "better"?
Everyone knows Texas has an ego! "Everything is bigger in Texas..." especially our guns, trucks and penises.... Maybe the whole creepy/weird ego-patriotism is just in Texas?
Sigh. If only.
I guess the bottom line is that the overzealous patriotic crap just smacks wayyyy too closely of fundamentalist religions and the Nazi movement for my comfort. Although we should most certainly celebrate the people, movements, wars and hardships it took us to get here as a country, people following with the blind belief that we're better no matter what we do is dangerous.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Write about what and who you know.
Warning: The following paragraphs may make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Apologies in advance. Scratch that. Read at your own risk!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm numbing my creativity. I love to write and paint and draw and dance. And I perfectionist my inspirations to death before I indulge in the fun of it.
I've always done my best ANYTHING whilst in emotional pain. After a break-up, major disappointment, etc. etc. However, my life has as of late been great! Smooth sailing, minus any weird dramas I make up in my head. (I.e. my mother-in-law must hate me!) And I've been kind of uninspired. I've had a few ideas here and there, but nothing even close to the all encompassing passion and drive to do something with every fiber of my being like before.
Sometimes I blame it on those around me. You're supposed to be inspired by your surroundings right? Well, they definitely don't inspire me. Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis (family included, I'm sorry to say) I really don't like! And so I don't do their character justice in my own mind. If I wrote about them it would be full of my own hateful agenda.
And really, let's be honest. Who's problem is this really? Uh, me. Every person is valid and inspiring. I just need to find it.
Or fuck it, come up with my own inspiration!
Yup, I'm pretty sure this made no sense.
And I refuse to re-read it.
I'm going to leave this raw and rambly and reflect on it later.
P.S.
Actually ate healthy today.
And did all my chores/errands.
And except for what could arguably be "complaining" in this entry, I have not complained once.
... In case you were wondering.
Which I'm sure you were.
P.P.S.
Okay, bye for real this time.
Bye.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm numbing my creativity. I love to write and paint and draw and dance. And I perfectionist my inspirations to death before I indulge in the fun of it.
I've always done my best ANYTHING whilst in emotional pain. After a break-up, major disappointment, etc. etc. However, my life has as of late been great! Smooth sailing, minus any weird dramas I make up in my head. (I.e. my mother-in-law must hate me!) And I've been kind of uninspired. I've had a few ideas here and there, but nothing even close to the all encompassing passion and drive to do something with every fiber of my being like before.
Sometimes I blame it on those around me. You're supposed to be inspired by your surroundings right? Well, they definitely don't inspire me. Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis (family included, I'm sorry to say) I really don't like! And so I don't do their character justice in my own mind. If I wrote about them it would be full of my own hateful agenda.
And really, let's be honest. Who's problem is this really? Uh, me. Every person is valid and inspiring. I just need to find it.
Or fuck it, come up with my own inspiration!
Yup, I'm pretty sure this made no sense.
And I refuse to re-read it.
I'm going to leave this raw and rambly and reflect on it later.
P.S.
Actually ate healthy today.
And did all my chores/errands.
And except for what could arguably be "complaining" in this entry, I have not complained once.
... In case you were wondering.
Which I'm sure you were.
P.P.S.
Okay, bye for real this time.
Bye.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Complaining.
Why do I complain so much??
Communication of issues?
Doubtful. I prefer to do that in a more straightforward way, with a discussion on what to do about it or a proposal of a solution I have already thought of.
I just like people to know I'm unhappy, for the sake of it?
In some weird corner of my subconscious I hope to spread the dissatisfaction?
I feel the need for sympathy?
I don't think it's any of these reasons.
All I can safely say (without seeing a therapist regularly...) is that it's unproductive and unnecessary. And if anything, probably makes me think about whatever unhappiness more, worsening my mood.
Would the rant above be considered complaining??
Not sure. Let's go with a no on that one...
ANYWAYS. So, today, I boycotted complaining.
It was a disturbingly difficult task.
What does that say about me??
I had to go in "early" for work. 8 am. Now for most people, that's probably average, but usually I'm a 4 to midnight person and of course, it was difficult to fall asleep "so early". So I was tired and grumpy because I don't really like my job that much anyway. (Again, would this be considered a complaint?? Or just stating an opinion?) I work summers and Christmas break at a local Target store for very little money.
I did eventually complain to my husband, but only once! I was mad at myself, when after work, instead of taking a 30 minute power nap before I cleaned the house, worked out, did laundry and got groceries, I took a five hour "nap," waking up just in time for bed. I'm still peeved at myself for that. And then, I'm peeved even more for complaining about it...
HOWEVER, I've decided I'm going to stop grumbling about it and just remain positive. There is always tomorrow! I work at 8 again and I will have another try to get all my chores done. And if I need a nap tomorrow? I'll surely be setting an alarm.
So tomorrow, no complaining, positive thinking and EVEN if I'm tired I'm going to get my crap done, so help me GodJesusBuddhaZues!
Communication of issues?
Doubtful. I prefer to do that in a more straightforward way, with a discussion on what to do about it or a proposal of a solution I have already thought of.
I just like people to know I'm unhappy, for the sake of it?
In some weird corner of my subconscious I hope to spread the dissatisfaction?
I feel the need for sympathy?
I don't think it's any of these reasons.
All I can safely say (without seeing a therapist regularly...) is that it's unproductive and unnecessary. And if anything, probably makes me think about whatever unhappiness more, worsening my mood.
Would the rant above be considered complaining??
Not sure. Let's go with a no on that one...
ANYWAYS. So, today, I boycotted complaining.
It was a disturbingly difficult task.
What does that say about me??
I had to go in "early" for work. 8 am. Now for most people, that's probably average, but usually I'm a 4 to midnight person and of course, it was difficult to fall asleep "so early". So I was tired and grumpy because I don't really like my job that much anyway. (Again, would this be considered a complaint?? Or just stating an opinion?) I work summers and Christmas break at a local Target store for very little money.
I did eventually complain to my husband, but only once! I was mad at myself, when after work, instead of taking a 30 minute power nap before I cleaned the house, worked out, did laundry and got groceries, I took a five hour "nap," waking up just in time for bed. I'm still peeved at myself for that. And then, I'm peeved even more for complaining about it...
HOWEVER, I've decided I'm going to stop grumbling about it and just remain positive. There is always tomorrow! I work at 8 again and I will have another try to get all my chores done. And if I need a nap tomorrow? I'll surely be setting an alarm.
So tomorrow, no complaining, positive thinking and EVEN if I'm tired I'm going to get my crap done, so help me GodJesusBuddhaZues!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Dealing with the sadness of humanity.
Articles like this break my heart. As I am very involved in the plight of neglected, abused and homeless animals, I see a lot of truly heart-wrenching cases and stories.
And then of course there are the multitudes of human right issues going on around the world. People are starving and dying. Men, women and children, alike. We are beating and killing each other left and right.
Humanity can be really awful.
And every time I see or hear these things, I don't know how to deal with it. Initially, it always gets to me. The sadness seeps into my heart. Of course, I'm outwardly functional, but there's just this sadness and loss of faith in human kind.
So then, I distance myself from the feelings. Try to cut myself off from them. Disconnect.
But that's not right, either. These people or animals are suffering and I'm sitting safely in my house eating lunch on the couch. I can't just go on with life like there isn't someone suffering, somewhere, every second of the day.
But I also can't live my life sad and depressed because of all the evil in the world.
Naturally the next step is to concentrate on the good people in the world, but again, there's still so much bad. And I just can't write that off.
This is kind of an unresolved post, because I really don't leave it with any kind of epiphany. Just the continual conundrum that goes on in my head all the time.
Maybe one day, I'll have a better answer?
I hope so. In the meantime, I'm just going to cope by continuing volunteering at animal shelters and desperately hoping I will make a difference. To anyone.
And then of course there are the multitudes of human right issues going on around the world. People are starving and dying. Men, women and children, alike. We are beating and killing each other left and right.
Humanity can be really awful.
And every time I see or hear these things, I don't know how to deal with it. Initially, it always gets to me. The sadness seeps into my heart. Of course, I'm outwardly functional, but there's just this sadness and loss of faith in human kind.
So then, I distance myself from the feelings. Try to cut myself off from them. Disconnect.
But that's not right, either. These people or animals are suffering and I'm sitting safely in my house eating lunch on the couch. I can't just go on with life like there isn't someone suffering, somewhere, every second of the day.
But I also can't live my life sad and depressed because of all the evil in the world.
Naturally the next step is to concentrate on the good people in the world, but again, there's still so much bad. And I just can't write that off.
This is kind of an unresolved post, because I really don't leave it with any kind of epiphany. Just the continual conundrum that goes on in my head all the time.
Maybe one day, I'll have a better answer?
I hope so. In the meantime, I'm just going to cope by continuing volunteering at animal shelters and desperately hoping I will make a difference. To anyone.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
The end of my best friend and I.
Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about friendship. The idea of it, the practice of it. Human interactions, in general.
Maybe it's because of the big decision I recently made regarding a personal friendship.
This girl and I are step-cousins and have grown up together, in every sense. (My Dad and I married into their family when I was three.) Rivals as children. Insecure, scared and awkward tweens. Funny and strange stages of finding ourselves from the teen years into our early twenties, where we are now currently stationed.
She's was my maid of honor/only bridesmaid at my wedding.
I was supposed to be her's.
We had plans.
But our friendship is over.
And here is why:
She's not a whole person anymore.
It's a tragedy and I hope she recovers.
She grew up with parents who were (and are) afraid of the world. If something was hard or she didn't want to do it, she didn't have to. Her parents bailed her out.
When we were children, they (she and her brother) LITERALLY ran everyone's lives. If she wanted to do it, THAT'S WHAT WE DID. I was always treated beneath her and her sibling, or as incompetent for my age. Even in spite of them both being younger, her by 11 months to the day and him by 2+ years. That little amount of time makes a whole lot of difference when you're still in the single digits of life.
There was a lot of competition and rivalry, as I mentioned. Which is understandable. She was the center of their universe and here comes in this older, more outgoing little girl to horn in on the parade. They were very welcoming on the outside, but there was a lot of politics and games on the inside. A lot of hateful things were said and done that I only became privy to many years later.
My parents (my step-mother that I consider a true mother and my dad) were always treated in the same manner. They were incompetent parents, because they let me play in the front yard, or sleep in my own room, or WHATEVER normal level of independence for our given age. She and her bro weren't allowed to walk across the street alone 'till they were in high school, to be home alone until they were 16. This is the level of paranoia of these people. I was a very independent child. VERY. It was incomprehensible to this family.
I always did well in school, I always wanted to be an over-achiever. She never was. She was shy to a fault and a push-over to the max. She is VERY smart, but puts herself down to the point where she is literally non-functional. I've tried to persuade her to go to therapy on multiple occasions.
When we were 16 and she was actually trying to overcome it, I completely respected her struggle. However at 21, she began using it as an excuse. "I'm shy, so I don't have to do ____." She still wanted everything to be handed to her! "You were raised differently, that's why you're successful." I'm sorry, but when you're a fully grown adult, YOU are responsible for YOUR OWN life.
The catalyst of our relationship came when I got it in my head to go to Houston (we live in San Antonio, Texas - only a 3 hour car ride) to visit the King Tut museum exhibit before it went back to Egypt in a few weeks. We were both in the anthropology club at the time (this was only a couple months ago) and so this is CLEARLY up our alley! The tickets were on super sale and I found a few great hotel options that I knew were in a perfectly nice area for reasonable pricing. (Did I mention I grew up in Houston? I know what areas to avoid and how to get around!)
Well, she has to ask her parents permission to go. Permission. At 21 years of age. You fecking kidding me?? Well, before giving permission her mother had to look at hotels herself. Oh, and it wasn't "permission" it's "approval." -.- Semantics. Anyways, remember all the weird/excessive fears of the world? Of course she suggested hotels 45 minutes away in a boring, commercialized suburb of Houston for no apparent reason. It was "safer" and had "so much to do". Yeah right, like more to do than the Museum District or Downtown? Bite me. My nice answer to that was in a text, and I'm quoting here:
Me: "It's nice there, but there aren't really any more things to do there than by the museum and do we really want to add 45 minutes to our drive each way just to get to the museum?"
Her: "Idk I'm trying to compromise."
Me: "Why is Katy or Sugarland so important?"
Her: "She likes the area better than downtown to stay over night."
I proceeded to inform her that only one of the four or five options listed were downtown, so that point was really irrelevant. She then told me she/her mother hadn't checked where the locations were. So they're just assuming that I would choose a shady location on the basis of no evidence whatsoever? THANKS. That's so sweet they think that highly of me. I'm starting to get irritated....
Me: "Okay then what's with the downtown issues?"
Her: "Idk I don't have issues."
I explain that clearly her mother does, even though it is completely irrelevant to our situation currently. And then I'm frustrated! Every time we want to do something we have to please the whole fam-damnily because she doesn't have a backbone to save her own life.
Me: "Sighhh. This shouldn't be so complicated! Do we want to go? I do. Do we have transportation? Yes. Do we have the money to afford it? I do. Determine when. Determine lodging if necessary. That's all! Decide when before we have to appease the Gods."
Her: "What do you mean by the last part"
(Oh, please. You just texted to me for a half hour about having to compromise with your gddmn parents...)
Me: "It's hard to have to make plans with your parents instead of you. It's just hard."
And JUST FECKING GUESS WHAT SHE REPLIES!
Her: "They're fine with it. They're not giving me a hard time she just suggested it. You don't need to get pissed."
Let me quote what she said not five minutes earlier.... "Moms cranky but open to it. Have to run it by dad -.- The hard part lol" Does that not sound like a hard time that she is explaining to me??
Let's bare in mind a few other facts:
She has a curfew.
She has to text when she leaves and arrives at somewhere to avoid parental panic.
She was not allowed to stay over at my house when I first moved in with Chris (now, husband - then, boyfriend) because it was "unsafe." Did I mention I live in a gated community and he is a police officer for the city? How much safer can you get??
Among many, many, many others.
She then proceeds to tell me about how they didn't put up much of a fight about it and made up other excuses for their actions such as work stress and such. Clearly, this was just alllll in my head. I wonder WHERE I could have gotten these notions!
This is when I realized she is not the person I grew up with and used to know.
You know, the smart and funny girl.
The girl who didn't let boys and other people who shall remain nameless *cough* Doug *cough* walk all over her and use her.
The girl that didn't take her own self-hate out on rampant, mean-hearted judgement of others.
The girl who didn't hate and starve herself.
The girl who was honest about her own life and issues.
The girl who didn't reason away what she used to hope to fix...
And then I realized something else...
She hasn't been that girl for a very, very, very long time.
In fact, maybe she never was that girl.
Maybe that was just what I hoped for and wanted to see.
I effectively ended the friendship through a single text, with every bit of my years of frustration and anger and sadness showing.
Her: "Forget it."
Me: "No, I don't think I will forget it. I think I'm going to follow my own advice I give you about Doug and about finally having to accept this bullshit or not be friends. It's funny you should mention that because you are a pro at talking down to people. [She said I was patronizing her in earlier texts.] I love how you pretend like your assertive, I know better. How come you can only be assertive to me?? All I've ever wanted out of this friendship is for you to do your own shit and be your own fucking person. I'm done with this. Have fun relying on, making excuses for and bowing down to others for the rest of your life. Bye."
I mourn the loss of the good in that relationship and in her.
I am no model of perfection, but I am a full believer in the power of intentions and honesty and communication. And when a person get's to a certain level of self-delusion, that's just not possible anymore.
Maybe you think I'm being dramatic? I respect that, perhaps I am? But I stand by my principles and my hope for her to do better for herself and want better for herself. You just have to live it to understand.
I think about her first time moving out (if she ever becomes her own person and that happens...)
Her wedding.
Our babies.
All the future family moments we'll never have.
I wonder if she mourned, too.
Maybe it's because of the big decision I recently made regarding a personal friendship.
This girl and I are step-cousins and have grown up together, in every sense. (My Dad and I married into their family when I was three.) Rivals as children. Insecure, scared and awkward tweens. Funny and strange stages of finding ourselves from the teen years into our early twenties, where we are now currently stationed.
She's was my maid of honor/only bridesmaid at my wedding.
I was supposed to be her's.
We had plans.
But our friendship is over.
And here is why:
She's not a whole person anymore.
It's a tragedy and I hope she recovers.
She grew up with parents who were (and are) afraid of the world. If something was hard or she didn't want to do it, she didn't have to. Her parents bailed her out.
When we were children, they (she and her brother) LITERALLY ran everyone's lives. If she wanted to do it, THAT'S WHAT WE DID. I was always treated beneath her and her sibling, or as incompetent for my age. Even in spite of them both being younger, her by 11 months to the day and him by 2+ years. That little amount of time makes a whole lot of difference when you're still in the single digits of life.
There was a lot of competition and rivalry, as I mentioned. Which is understandable. She was the center of their universe and here comes in this older, more outgoing little girl to horn in on the parade. They were very welcoming on the outside, but there was a lot of politics and games on the inside. A lot of hateful things were said and done that I only became privy to many years later.
My parents (my step-mother that I consider a true mother and my dad) were always treated in the same manner. They were incompetent parents, because they let me play in the front yard, or sleep in my own room, or WHATEVER normal level of independence for our given age. She and her bro weren't allowed to walk across the street alone 'till they were in high school, to be home alone until they were 16. This is the level of paranoia of these people. I was a very independent child. VERY. It was incomprehensible to this family.
I always did well in school, I always wanted to be an over-achiever. She never was. She was shy to a fault and a push-over to the max. She is VERY smart, but puts herself down to the point where she is literally non-functional. I've tried to persuade her to go to therapy on multiple occasions.
When we were 16 and she was actually trying to overcome it, I completely respected her struggle. However at 21, she began using it as an excuse. "I'm shy, so I don't have to do ____." She still wanted everything to be handed to her! "You were raised differently, that's why you're successful." I'm sorry, but when you're a fully grown adult, YOU are responsible for YOUR OWN life.
The catalyst of our relationship came when I got it in my head to go to Houston (we live in San Antonio, Texas - only a 3 hour car ride) to visit the King Tut museum exhibit before it went back to Egypt in a few weeks. We were both in the anthropology club at the time (this was only a couple months ago) and so this is CLEARLY up our alley! The tickets were on super sale and I found a few great hotel options that I knew were in a perfectly nice area for reasonable pricing. (Did I mention I grew up in Houston? I know what areas to avoid and how to get around!)
Well, she has to ask her parents permission to go. Permission. At 21 years of age. You fecking kidding me?? Well, before giving permission her mother had to look at hotels herself. Oh, and it wasn't "permission" it's "approval." -.- Semantics. Anyways, remember all the weird/excessive fears of the world? Of course she suggested hotels 45 minutes away in a boring, commercialized suburb of Houston for no apparent reason. It was "safer" and had "so much to do". Yeah right, like more to do than the Museum District or Downtown? Bite me. My nice answer to that was in a text, and I'm quoting here:
Me: "It's nice there, but there aren't really any more things to do there than by the museum and do we really want to add 45 minutes to our drive each way just to get to the museum?"
Her: "Idk I'm trying to compromise."
Me: "Why is Katy or Sugarland so important?"
Her: "She likes the area better than downtown to stay over night."
I proceeded to inform her that only one of the four or five options listed were downtown, so that point was really irrelevant. She then told me she/her mother hadn't checked where the locations were. So they're just assuming that I would choose a shady location on the basis of no evidence whatsoever? THANKS. That's so sweet they think that highly of me. I'm starting to get irritated....
Me: "Okay then what's with the downtown issues?"
Her: "Idk I don't have issues."
I explain that clearly her mother does, even though it is completely irrelevant to our situation currently. And then I'm frustrated! Every time we want to do something we have to please the whole fam-damnily because she doesn't have a backbone to save her own life.
Me: "Sighhh. This shouldn't be so complicated! Do we want to go? I do. Do we have transportation? Yes. Do we have the money to afford it? I do. Determine when. Determine lodging if necessary. That's all! Decide when before we have to appease the Gods."
Her: "What do you mean by the last part"
(Oh, please. You just texted to me for a half hour about having to compromise with your gddmn parents...)
Me: "It's hard to have to make plans with your parents instead of you. It's just hard."
And JUST FECKING GUESS WHAT SHE REPLIES!
Her: "They're fine with it. They're not giving me a hard time she just suggested it. You don't need to get pissed."
Let me quote what she said not five minutes earlier.... "Moms cranky but open to it. Have to run it by dad -.- The hard part lol" Does that not sound like a hard time that she is explaining to me??
Let's bare in mind a few other facts:
She has a curfew.
She has to text when she leaves and arrives at somewhere to avoid parental panic.
She was not allowed to stay over at my house when I first moved in with Chris (now, husband - then, boyfriend) because it was "unsafe." Did I mention I live in a gated community and he is a police officer for the city? How much safer can you get??
Among many, many, many others.
She then proceeds to tell me about how they didn't put up much of a fight about it and made up other excuses for their actions such as work stress and such. Clearly, this was just alllll in my head. I wonder WHERE I could have gotten these notions!
This is when I realized she is not the person I grew up with and used to know.
You know, the smart and funny girl.
The girl who didn't let boys and other people who shall remain nameless *cough* Doug *cough* walk all over her and use her.
The girl that didn't take her own self-hate out on rampant, mean-hearted judgement of others.
The girl who didn't hate and starve herself.
The girl who was honest about her own life and issues.
The girl who didn't reason away what she used to hope to fix...
And then I realized something else...
She hasn't been that girl for a very, very, very long time.
In fact, maybe she never was that girl.
Maybe that was just what I hoped for and wanted to see.
I effectively ended the friendship through a single text, with every bit of my years of frustration and anger and sadness showing.
Her: "Forget it."
Me: "No, I don't think I will forget it. I think I'm going to follow my own advice I give you about Doug and about finally having to accept this bullshit or not be friends. It's funny you should mention that because you are a pro at talking down to people. [She said I was patronizing her in earlier texts.] I love how you pretend like your assertive, I know better. How come you can only be assertive to me?? All I've ever wanted out of this friendship is for you to do your own shit and be your own fucking person. I'm done with this. Have fun relying on, making excuses for and bowing down to others for the rest of your life. Bye."
I mourn the loss of the good in that relationship and in her.
I am no model of perfection, but I am a full believer in the power of intentions and honesty and communication. And when a person get's to a certain level of self-delusion, that's just not possible anymore.
Maybe you think I'm being dramatic? I respect that, perhaps I am? But I stand by my principles and my hope for her to do better for herself and want better for herself. You just have to live it to understand.
I think about her first time moving out (if she ever becomes her own person and that happens...)
Her wedding.
Our babies.
All the future family moments we'll never have.
A true shame.
I wonder if she mourned, too.
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