My mind is so jumbled, I don't even know how or where to begin.
I guess it all came to a head since Chris and I decided we would try to buy our first home this summer.
It's really gotten me thinking about what we want/need.
Even though we fully expect this to be our 'starter' home and hope to custom build once we've gotten really settled and stable in a few years, it's still a huge commitment. And sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. It doesn't have to be lavish, but it does need to meet our basic needs and be something we could live with for many years. You just never know what the market will be or where we will be in life!
How many bedrooms? What kind of layout? One story or two? Budget?
And, to me, the hardest question of all: How will we decorate? At face value, I know this doesn't seem like a deep philosophical question about who you are... But somehow I've managed to make it one.
I feel like how you furnish and decorate your home says so much about you. Minimalist, modern, eclectic, homey...
But what am I? Who am I? What/who are we together?
I have this internal debate every day about myself.
I have all of these different ideas about who I want to be, how I wish I was, who I actually am. How do I reconcile all of these different aspects into one, authentic, self? How much should you try to change or control your personality, how much should you just embrace how you already are?
I know this is probably something everyone goes through. I'm not upset about it, or afraid of it. I'm ready to figure it out and face it. But I don't really know how to... I'm afraid it may just be something you understand in time. But the control freak in me doesn't particularly like that answer, I want to become who I want to become.
To put it back into the metaphor of home decor (which I feel not only helps in explanation, but also helps me cope and understand it myself.) I can't figure out what direction I want to go! Different facets of my personality are drawn to different things. And quite frankly these change on a daily basis.
I don't need to have every detail planned out, but I want a general vibe.
There's something in me that just loves the idea of simplicity. Comfortable, utilitarian, organic. I envision simple days living further from the city and closer to nature. Going to farmers markets and doing homey things. Listening to the world, to my body. Being internal. Meditation. Simple, classic clothing. Not feeling the need to be up on the newest fashion or music or whatever. In short, put less emphasis on fancy furnishings and big screen TVs and more on big windows, architecture, sunshine and trees. Less jewelry and eyeshadow, more of simple, beautiful (in my own way...) me. Don't ask me why this all goes together, but in my head, it does.
But then, I love the really modern and bold look too. Bright purple walls on our bedroom with black furniture and white trim and linens. Swedish couches in the living room and glass walls. This look does tend to be more 'simple', but it is very bold. And I can be a very bold person. Outgoing, talkative... But sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to share everything and yet there is something freeing about it.
However, with either/both of the above, I fear in losing myself. I love simplicity and I feel like that's the goal in life: Getting to what's real. How are you supposed to really appreciate food when you don't eat the real stuff? How are you supposed to appreciate the world, when the only time you see it is through your TV? And yet, I have to give in to indulgences and pleasures, because that's part of what makes life worth living. I even like the fancy, hotel look. But again, it doesn't feel authentic.
I have the same trouble with blogging! It's hard to stay honest. I want it to be a journal to me that maybe other people can relate to. But for whatever reason, I'm always trying to make myself seem more optimistic, pretty, funny, artsy, cynical - it changes day-by-day.
I fear not liking what I see. Inside and out. I fear not doing enough. Regret. Not choosing right. Lying to myself.
Don't really know how to end this entry. Other than, I clearly have some thinking and reflecting to do.
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