Yay for being bad at math!

I apparently miscalculated my grades. I thought I was going to get a B in the class, but I actually ended up getting an A! Yay!! :) So not only did I survive my first class of nursing school, but I got an A!

I feel like I really need to celebrate this moment, because I truly don't think it will ever happen again, lol. It only gets harder from here!

*nerdy dance*

And I've actually been exercising! Yesterday I ran 3 miles in 30 minutes! Quite the accomplishment for me - I'm not what you would call a Runner. My diet has been okay, not SUPER healthy but not awful either. Though after finding out about my grade, I'm treating myself to a burrito and a beer at our local Freebirds for lunch. I LOVE that place!!

And to add onto the awesomeness, one of my good friends from high school will be in town next Saturday and we're running a zombie 5k in the morning and after a good meal or two and a few naps, we're going to have a girl's night on the town. We plan on dressing skanky, drinking a bit too much (Don't worry, we have a DD!) and dancing at one of my favorite gay clubs. 

I have to say, when you want to dance and have a good time without being creeped on by a bunch of guys, gay clubs are where it's at! The guys that are there aren't interested and the chicks are WAY more polite and actually listen when you say 'no thanks'. I don't know what it is about now-a-days that makes straight guys think they doen't have to introduce themselves and instead can just surprise you from behind by humping you, but apparently that's the new handshake. It's gross! I don't go out often and when I do, I just want to be silly and have fun! Not worry about being molested.

I used an Express gift card I've been hoarding for a while and got this cute little number for the occasion:

It hasn't come in yet, but I am very optimistic! It got great reviews and this type of dress fits my body style pretty well usually. I like dresses where you can feel sexy and feminine, but aren't too short. How am I supposed to feel cute with my ass hanging out? I have high hopes this dress will accomplish that. I will definitely let you know! (Also, it's 30% off and I used a coupon so I even saved enough to get another dress with the gift card. I'll show that one off later once I get it, I'm more on the fence about it.)

Anyways, new class starts on Monday so I better hit the books to prepare. Will have to show competency on IV meds the second day!

Done with my first clinicals of nursing school.

Yay! And after Tuesday and Wednesday (fourth test and final) I'll be done with my first class of nursing school, Foundations and on to Commons!

As excited as I am, some days,  I wonder what the heck I got myself into... How am I ever going to learn all this? Two years (well 1 year and 7 months now!) is too long AND too short all at once!

And then I think about how things will be once I graduate (and I'm assuming, pass the NCLEX :D)... I'll actually get to do something that I love for a living! And of course making some good money doesn't hurt, either. I'll be able to have a normal life again- Have a job, see my husband once in a while, not always be broke, have babies, get a house, see my friends, travel! Ahh, the good life.

Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I'm sure the time will go by faster than I think....

But still, siiiiiigh.

I'm already tired of school being my life and it's only been 8 weeks. Though, to be fair, I've been in school for 3 and a half years prior to starting nursing school and let's just say it's getting old being a student. I can't really put my finger on exactly what took me so long. Partially because I switched majors after a year, partially because I was working two jobs for a while and couldn't take a full load, partially because I took extra classes that I didn't need like an idiot.

And after all this I will just have gotten my associate's and have another year working on my bachelor's online!! If you added up all that time I could have had a master's by then! Some days I could just kick myself for that fact.

I know, I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why beat myself up about it? Still. Now that school is both hindering me from and my key to, doing the things I want to in life, it makes it difficult not to be annoyed with myself for all of that time wasted.

But in an effort to stick with the optimism and happiness that I began this post with (How did this post about getting through my first class of nursing school turn into a sad story about taking wayy too long to get through college?) because of my mistakes from the past, I will NEVER make them again and I  now have the determination of a goat lol. (I am a Capricorn, too lol.)

GAH, now I'm all pissy with myself.

eioahwan392uhnaw;

Grumble.

Does this gown make my butt look big?

Actually, it kind of does. At least, I didn't think my butt was that big...

Such a stylish, sexy beast. I know :) 

Anyways, GREAT day at clinicals today. 

A) I wasn't a giant bundle of nerves. 

B) I'm finally getting into the swing of things. Where things are, who to ask, who to avoid, how to deal with patients, etc etc 

C) The staff - dare I say it - actually likes us now! 

That all combines to make for a great day :) Let's hope tomorrow goes just as smoothly!

Clinicals

Thursdays and Fridays are my clinical days.
In case I haven't mentioned it before, this is my first semester in Nursing School and that makes this my first clinical rotation. Me and 8 of my classmates (I have a class of 79, and they split us up into smaller groups at different hospitals and units.) are at the med-surg unit for 4 weeks and the oncology unit for one.

So I was in med-surg and will be for the remaining two weeks of the class, as I did my oncology rotation last week.

It was an interesting two days. Well, three really. Because on Wednesdays we go to our unit and pick our patients. You see who's available, ask their permission to be your victim and if they say yes, research their chart, condition and any other pertinent information you can get your hands on. That way you're prepared (or as much as you can be) for taking care of them. Normally Wednesdays are pretty short. It usually takes only about an hour to do what you need to do.

But of course, THIS Wednesday, our first picking our OWN patients - not assigned by faculty - THEY RAN OUT OF PATIENTS.

No joke.

You can choose your own time to pop in and pick and I chose to go a little later around 4pm (everyone else went around 1:30). My train of thought was by then, the docs and nurses would know pretty definitively who was going and who was staying. God forbid I do all of this work and research only for them to go home later that afternoon and have to do it all over again the next day! And for all intents and purposes, my plan worked. The problem was, everyone was leaving.

Yeah. When I got there at 4, two of the girls who had been there since 1:30 were STILL there! Just waiting to see if someone was either coming in from ER or not going to be discharged. And just our luck, exactly two were expected to. And if you've done the math that means three students and two patients.

Well, shit! I of course was going to let the other two get them. They've already been waiting two, coming up on three hours! I'm not going to swoop in and snatch the new patients! So I called my professor and she recommended coming back later, because in all likelihood all of those empty beds were going to be re-filled. So that's what I did. And at 7, back I come. The other two students are STILL THERE WAITING!! I had enough time to read a whole chapter while they were stuck here waiting! How cray cray is that?

Well, as luck would have it, at 8:30 when I think there is no hope and I don't know what I'm going to do, one of my classmates hears from an RN that there is another patient coming up from ER. And did I snatch that up faster than you can say FUCKTHISSHIT. So luckily, it all worked out, and I left around 9:15pm only to return at 6:45am. And the best part? I'm not even getting paid for this shit yet, lol. I'M paying THEM!

Turns out it was the first clinicals where I wasn't panicked and miserable all day, both days. I actually feel like I'm getting into the swing of things. Well, as much as possible, I mean I'm going to be clueless for quite some time, but at least I feel like I'm progressing like I should be. And that's all I want! I don't expect be the world's best RN the fourth week of school, but I do want to feel like I've got a handle on the objectives and situations expected of me!

Also, I think it helps that the staff is getting used to us and thus hating us a little less. Now that they know what our limits are, they are more comfortable asking us to do this or that and suddenly we went from 'annoying and in the way' (understandably so...) to the people they can shove all the easy, time consuming crap off on. And let me tell you: We are happy to do it. We want to be helpful and liked. And if that means helping with bedpans and bed baths, bring it on!

So all in all, a MUCH better experience than the last two weeks. THANK GOODNESS. I was getting worried there for a second, lol. Maybe this nursing school thing won't be SO bad, after-all.  Just marginally hellish is fine with me :) I'll let you know how next week goes!

The First Day I Didn't Get A Migraine

!!!!!!

I don't know if it was because I subconsciously was more relaxed than the other clinical days? Was it because I really tried to stay hydrated? Ate a snack? Took some ibuprofen BEFORE the crippling headache started? I DON'T KNOW. But it was wonderful.

The day was actually pretty good, too. I mean, I'm still as clueless as ever, but our patient got discharged last night and so we got to shadow the two RNs on the floor. It was really interesting and extremely helpful to get to see what their days are actually like!

Now about RNs. They are not only psychic and can simultaneously anticipate what the patient needs and any of my stupid questions, but apparently they have bionic hearing too? I felt about a half hour behind everything she did, lol. She would overhear me talking to a patient (6 doors down? wha??) and come speeding in with whatever the patient wanted or needed before I even had time to turn around and leave the room.

I have to laugh at myself again, for my cluelessness. She asked me to get her "Some petroleum jelly, a bag of saline, two secondaries and a primary." and like the faithful little retriever dog I am, I nodded and walked purposefully off to the supply room... On the way realizing... What the fuck are secondaries and primaries? I REALLY didn't want to have to go back and ask her so I scoured the room for anything with those words on it. Lol. And then I realized I didn't know what size saline?? So I just grabbed whatever bag looked similar to the one she had. Oh yeah and it took me like ten freaking minutes to find the jelly. Holy God I felt like such an idiot! But I managed to bring it back within the half hour and she didn't even ask why it took me so long. Bless her.

I asked her how long it took for this feeling to end. She laughed and said about six months after she first started working.    0.0   I'm going to feel this lost for that long!    *cries*   And she added not to lose hope, that your brain will be complete mush for the first year and that's normal.    *cries again*

I have this extreme perfectionistic streak in me that I have got to let go of if I'm going to make it through nursing school! Yes, I am going to look like a moron 99% of the time. Yes, I am going to make a lot of mistakes. Most of them really stupid. Yes, I am going to be embarrassed and awkward probably for quite some time. And I just need to accept that! Trying to be "perfect" is completely outside of the world of possibilities and trying to aim for that is just going to make me lose my mind.

SO, in an effort to finally accept these facts I've decided that if I leave on Fridays intact and not on some sort of anti-psychotic med, that the week was a success. THAT will be my new goal, lol, not my previous goal of 'Try not to be clueless.'

The long road ahead,

seems longer today.
Is it Thanksgiving yet??
Cause I could really use a break.

Second week of clinicals today. Me and my partner were in the Oncology unit (and will be again, tomorrow. Back to med-surg for the remaining 3 weeks of this rotation.) But first, let me tell you about last week...

Last week (med-surg unit) was an exercise in patience and humility. I felt like an absolute moron. And most of my classmates did too-which made me feel a little better-but I hate feeling so clueless! You don't know where anything is, what the normal routine is, how to act/deal with people, patients, nurses, doctors. Also, no matter how out of the way you try to be, you're going to be in SOMEONE'S way. There were moments where I just wanted to melt into the wall. And let me tell you, this is not my personality! I'm usually pretty good at being calm, cool and collected under stress. Now,  I did manage that on the outside (or so my classmates say...), but on the inside! OH, no.

Also, it didn't help that our nurse was kind of... Well, I don't want to say bitchy...

I try to remember that we don't know what's going on in her personal life or what kind of day she has had, but she was just so rude! Any question you asked her (and granted, I'm sure we asked some stuuupid questions) she would roll her eyes or be really snotty. Now, I know she's got 7 patients that need about 100 things right now, but short and succinct would do. I don't need to be coddled, just don't make me feel even worse than I do! So after a few times where you ask or tell her something and she goes and laughs about your idiocy with her friends (Happened. Twice.), you begin to REALLY dread going over to her.

The CNA's were super nice though. And this merciful RN who we traded answers for stupid questions, for running her lab specimens and such around. We were glad to do it, we want to help! That's what were here for. Learning and helping. But again, every time in passing we would ask if we could do anything for our nurse she'd say no and run away from us as fast as possible.

I'm sure I'm missing something and this is somehow my fault, but it was very unpleasant. I mean, I didn't expect a cake walk, but feeling like I have to suit up for battle to report to her is very taxing.

Also, I had two partners. One (the one I'm partnered with today and tomorrow) is really sweet and pleasant to be with. However, the OTHER one, not so much. She really doesn't deal with stress well. She is EXTREMELY patronizing about the most inane things. She is a big question asker. She asks questions about everything. Which, on principle, I don't mind. But don't bother our teacher or nurse with a question that we can find out ourselves. Or my favorite, when she is doing something wrong or forgetting something and me or the other partner reminds her, she proceeds to ignore us, and the teacher/nurse walks by and corrects us -.-

SIGH. But I never have to be partnered with her, again. HALLELUJAH.

So fast forward to this morning. I was EXTREMELY nervous about getting an unpleasant nurse again and being on a different unit where everything is different, again. But it turns out, our RN was REALLY nice. She didn't baby us or anything, but she also didn't scoff when I asked her how they did this thing or that. We got to be a lot more involved than we were in the med-surg and that was really, really nice. I want to be like a sponge while I'm at the hospital and soak every bit of information I can!

Although, inevitably, it was hard to see the reality of the oncology unit. Unfortunately, I am not as much of a stranger to it as I wish I was, as I have had all too many friends and family have to battle the big C. But seeing it from a caretaker's perspective was different. Our patient actually only had benign tumors that were only removed because the sheer size and placement of them were interfering with normal functioning, but there were some very sick people in there.

I think I pulled it off okay, but on the inside, I just didn't know what to do or how to act. I just want to help them so badly! There were some very special people we got to meet today and that does give me renewed inspiration to get through this and get out into the world and really help some people! But at the same time, it reminded me what a long road this is.

When will I ever feel like I have a clue?? I'm afraid that answer might be never.

And my last little bit in the nursing school vent-fest, is my headaches! I don't know if it's stress, dehydration or not being used to not eating for 7-8 hours, but by the fifth hour I have a near debilitating migraine working up to a fever pitch in my head. Every day we've gone to clinicals I've gotten one. And on a 0-10 scale I would say they were at least a 7. The kind where I go home, take 800mg of ibuprofen, crawl into the fetal position in bed and try to sleep it off. Thus my game plan for tomorrow includes subbing my usual morning coffee for a couple glasses of water (okay, well maybe half a cup of coffee!), trying to run by the water fountain once an hour and bring a granola bar to stow in my pocket so right around 10/11 I'll try to sneak away for a minute and scarf it down. Also, I might bring a couple ibuprofen in like my contacts case or something to take preventatively, before the time the headaches have been starting.

Hopefully it works!

Why is it

that the more I have on my to-do list,
the less motivation I have to do it?
3 chapters I need to read today. About 65 pages.
To retain, do my assignments and notes, I read about 5 pages an hour.
That's almost 13 hours and it's already noon.
And all I want to do?
ANYTHING else.
Doing the dishes and folding laundry never seemed so interesting...
What's with my lack of motivation this weekend??
I'd like to say it's from study overload,
but I suspect it might stem from a lack of discipline/laziness.
No, course not.
It's not me, it's school.
Right.

2 out of 3 meals today

have consisted of cake. True story.
Caramel Apple Cinnamon coffee cake, actually.
Here is the recipe. I used about a million times the cinnamon she put, but I really love the stuff.
It turned out super moist and just the right balance of all flavors.
My husband is a big fan too, because he can't get enough caramel! Win-win.

I've been reading the day away about dosage calculations, which has been just a blast, let me tell you. But I still have two more chapters I want to get done (two small ones; one about Activity & Exercise and one about communicating with patients) and I CANNOT stop piddling around! My brain needs a break!

Well, a longer one... Because I definitely just got done with my coffee/cake/one episode of How I Met Your Mother break I give myself every evening to break up the 4-10 hours of reading I do a day (depending on if it is or is not a school day.)

I need to re-focus! Easier said than done... Though, I suppose just getting started was never a bad first step.

I keep telling myself that the sooner I read these chapters, the sooner I'll have free time! -To do fun free-timey things like fold laundry, call my mother and take a shower. But it's time I'm not studying, and that's good enough for me! - ANYWAYS. That's just not motivation enough.

But, in my little time of procrastination I managed to check Facebook so much that nothing new has happened and all my e-mail has been checked. I updated my blog and now I'm left with no choice but to study! SIGH.

Amazing how I can write 7 paragraphs about nothing, isn't it?? Well, done now. Off to take that first step to the rest of my evening.