I didn't feel the need to be anonymous. Coming out of the closet so to speak, lol.
Brought my blog over to here:
BecomingQueenBlog.com
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Finding Myself
Otherwise known as the early 20's?
My mind is so jumbled, I don't even know how or where to begin.
I guess it all came to a head since Chris and I decided we would try to buy our first home this summer.
It's really gotten me thinking about what we want/need.
Even though we fully expect this to be our 'starter' home and hope to custom build once we've gotten really settled and stable in a few years, it's still a huge commitment. And sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. It doesn't have to be lavish, but it does need to meet our basic needs and be something we could live with for many years. You just never know what the market will be or where we will be in life!
How many bedrooms? What kind of layout? One story or two? Budget?
And, to me, the hardest question of all: How will we decorate? At face value, I know this doesn't seem like a deep philosophical question about who you are... But somehow I've managed to make it one.
I feel like how you furnish and decorate your home says so much about you. Minimalist, modern, eclectic, homey...
But what am I? Who am I? What/who are we together?
I have this internal debate every day about myself.
I have all of these different ideas about who I want to be, how I wish I was, who I actually am. How do I reconcile all of these different aspects into one, authentic, self? How much should you try to change or control your personality, how much should you just embrace how you already are?
I know this is probably something everyone goes through. I'm not upset about it, or afraid of it. I'm ready to figure it out and face it. But I don't really know how to... I'm afraid it may just be something you understand in time. But the control freak in me doesn't particularly like that answer, I want to become who I want to become.
To put it back into the metaphor of home decor (which I feel not only helps in explanation, but also helps me cope and understand it myself.) I can't figure out what direction I want to go! Different facets of my personality are drawn to different things. And quite frankly these change on a daily basis.
I don't need to have every detail planned out, but I want a general vibe.
There's something in me that just loves the idea of simplicity. Comfortable, utilitarian, organic. I envision simple days living further from the city and closer to nature. Going to farmers markets and doing homey things. Listening to the world, to my body. Being internal. Meditation. Simple, classic clothing. Not feeling the need to be up on the newest fashion or music or whatever. In short, put less emphasis on fancy furnishings and big screen TVs and more on big windows, architecture, sunshine and trees. Less jewelry and eyeshadow, more of simple, beautiful (in my own way...) me. Don't ask me why this all goes together, but in my head, it does.
But then, I love the really modern and bold look too. Bright purple walls on our bedroom with black furniture and white trim and linens. Swedish couches in the living room and glass walls. This look does tend to be more 'simple', but it is very bold. And I can be a very bold person. Outgoing, talkative... But sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to share everything and yet there is something freeing about it.
However, with either/both of the above, I fear in losing myself. I love simplicity and I feel like that's the goal in life: Getting to what's real. How are you supposed to really appreciate food when you don't eat the real stuff? How are you supposed to appreciate the world, when the only time you see it is through your TV? And yet, I have to give in to indulgences and pleasures, because that's part of what makes life worth living. I even like the fancy, hotel look. But again, it doesn't feel authentic.
I have the same trouble with blogging! It's hard to stay honest. I want it to be a journal to me that maybe other people can relate to. But for whatever reason, I'm always trying to make myself seem more optimistic, pretty, funny, artsy, cynical - it changes day-by-day.
I fear not liking what I see. Inside and out. I fear not doing enough. Regret. Not choosing right. Lying to myself.
Don't really know how to end this entry. Other than, I clearly have some thinking and reflecting to do.
My mind is so jumbled, I don't even know how or where to begin.
I guess it all came to a head since Chris and I decided we would try to buy our first home this summer.
It's really gotten me thinking about what we want/need.
Even though we fully expect this to be our 'starter' home and hope to custom build once we've gotten really settled and stable in a few years, it's still a huge commitment. And sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. It doesn't have to be lavish, but it does need to meet our basic needs and be something we could live with for many years. You just never know what the market will be or where we will be in life!
How many bedrooms? What kind of layout? One story or two? Budget?
And, to me, the hardest question of all: How will we decorate? At face value, I know this doesn't seem like a deep philosophical question about who you are... But somehow I've managed to make it one.
I feel like how you furnish and decorate your home says so much about you. Minimalist, modern, eclectic, homey...
But what am I? Who am I? What/who are we together?
I have this internal debate every day about myself.
I have all of these different ideas about who I want to be, how I wish I was, who I actually am. How do I reconcile all of these different aspects into one, authentic, self? How much should you try to change or control your personality, how much should you just embrace how you already are?
I know this is probably something everyone goes through. I'm not upset about it, or afraid of it. I'm ready to figure it out and face it. But I don't really know how to... I'm afraid it may just be something you understand in time. But the control freak in me doesn't particularly like that answer, I want to become who I want to become.
To put it back into the metaphor of home decor (which I feel not only helps in explanation, but also helps me cope and understand it myself.) I can't figure out what direction I want to go! Different facets of my personality are drawn to different things. And quite frankly these change on a daily basis.
I don't need to have every detail planned out, but I want a general vibe.
There's something in me that just loves the idea of simplicity. Comfortable, utilitarian, organic. I envision simple days living further from the city and closer to nature. Going to farmers markets and doing homey things. Listening to the world, to my body. Being internal. Meditation. Simple, classic clothing. Not feeling the need to be up on the newest fashion or music or whatever. In short, put less emphasis on fancy furnishings and big screen TVs and more on big windows, architecture, sunshine and trees. Less jewelry and eyeshadow, more of simple, beautiful (in my own way...) me. Don't ask me why this all goes together, but in my head, it does.
But then, I love the really modern and bold look too. Bright purple walls on our bedroom with black furniture and white trim and linens. Swedish couches in the living room and glass walls. This look does tend to be more 'simple', but it is very bold. And I can be a very bold person. Outgoing, talkative... But sometimes I don't want to be. I don't want to share everything and yet there is something freeing about it.
However, with either/both of the above, I fear in losing myself. I love simplicity and I feel like that's the goal in life: Getting to what's real. How are you supposed to really appreciate food when you don't eat the real stuff? How are you supposed to appreciate the world, when the only time you see it is through your TV? And yet, I have to give in to indulgences and pleasures, because that's part of what makes life worth living. I even like the fancy, hotel look. But again, it doesn't feel authentic.
I have the same trouble with blogging! It's hard to stay honest. I want it to be a journal to me that maybe other people can relate to. But for whatever reason, I'm always trying to make myself seem more optimistic, pretty, funny, artsy, cynical - it changes day-by-day.
I fear not liking what I see. Inside and out. I fear not doing enough. Regret. Not choosing right. Lying to myself.
Don't really know how to end this entry. Other than, I clearly have some thinking and reflecting to do.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Yay for being bad at math!
I apparently miscalculated my grades. I thought I was going to get a B in the class, but I actually ended up getting an A! Yay!! :) So not only did I survive my first class of nursing school, but I got an A!
I feel like I really need to celebrate this moment, because I truly don't think it will ever happen again, lol. It only gets harder from here!
*nerdy dance*
And I've actually been exercising! Yesterday I ran 3 miles in 30 minutes! Quite the accomplishment for me - I'm not what you would call a Runner. My diet has been okay, not SUPER healthy but not awful either. Though after finding out about my grade, I'm treating myself to a burrito and a beer at our local Freebirds for lunch. I LOVE that place!!
And to add onto the awesomeness, one of my good friends from high school will be in town next Saturday and we're running a zombie 5k in the morning and after a good meal or two and a few naps, we're going to have a girl's night on the town. We plan on dressing skanky, drinking a bit too much (Don't worry, we have a DD!) and dancing at one of my favorite gay clubs.
I have to say, when you want to dance and have a good time without being creeped on by a bunch of guys, gay clubs are where it's at! The guys that are there aren't interested and the chicks are WAY more polite and actually listen when you say 'no thanks'. I don't know what it is about now-a-days that makes straight guys think they doen't have to introduce themselves and instead can just surprise you from behind by humping you, but apparently that's the new handshake. It's gross! I don't go out often and when I do, I just want to be silly and have fun! Not worry about being molested.
I used an Express gift card I've been hoarding for a while and got this cute little number for the occasion:
It hasn't come in yet, but I am very optimistic! It got great reviews and this type of dress fits my body style pretty well usually. I like dresses where you can feel sexy and feminine, but aren't too short. How am I supposed to feel cute with my ass hanging out? I have high hopes this dress will accomplish that. I will definitely let you know! (Also, it's 30% off and I used a coupon so I even saved enough to get another dress with the gift card. I'll show that one off later once I get it, I'm more on the fence about it.)
Anyways, new class starts on Monday so I better hit the books to prepare. Will have to show competency on IV meds the second day!
Monday, October 15, 2012
Done with my first clinicals of nursing school.
Yay! And after Tuesday and Wednesday (fourth test and final) I'll be done with my first class of nursing school, Foundations and on to Commons!
As excited as I am, some days, I wonder what the heck I got myself into... How am I ever going to learn all this? Two years (well 1 year and 7 months now!) is too long AND too short all at once!
And then I think about how things will be once I graduate (and I'm assuming, pass the NCLEX :D)... I'll actually get to do something that I love for a living! And of course making some good money doesn't hurt, either. I'll be able to have a normal life again- Have a job, see my husband once in a while, not always be broke, have babies, get a house, see my friends, travel! Ahh, the good life.
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I'm sure the time will go by faster than I think....
But still, siiiiiigh.
I'm already tired of school being my life and it's only been 8 weeks. Though, to be fair, I've been in school for 3 and a half years prior to starting nursing school and let's just say it's getting old being a student. I can't really put my finger on exactly what took me so long. Partially because I switched majors after a year, partially because I was working two jobs for a while and couldn't take a full load, partially because I took extra classes that I didn't needlike an idiot.
And after all this I will just have gotten my associate's and have another year working on my bachelor's online!! If you added up all that time I could have had a master's by then! Some days I could just kick myself for that fact.
I know, I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why beat myself up about it? Still. Now that school is both hindering me from and my key to, doing the things I want to in life, it makes it difficult not to be annoyed with myself for all of that time wasted.
But in an effort to stick with the optimism and happiness that I began this post with (How did this post about getting through my first class of nursing school turn into a sad story about taking wayy too long to get through college?) because of my mistakes from the past, I will NEVER make them again and I now have the determination of a goat lol. (I am a Capricorn, too lol.)
GAH, now I'm all pissy with myself.
eioahwan392uhnaw;
Grumble.
As excited as I am, some days, I wonder what the heck I got myself into... How am I ever going to learn all this? Two years (well 1 year and 7 months now!) is too long AND too short all at once!
And then I think about how things will be once I graduate (and I'm assuming, pass the NCLEX :D)... I'll actually get to do something that I love for a living! And of course making some good money doesn't hurt, either. I'll be able to have a normal life again- Have a job, see my husband once in a while, not always be broke, have babies, get a house, see my friends, travel! Ahh, the good life.
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I'm sure the time will go by faster than I think....
But still, siiiiiigh.
I'm already tired of school being my life and it's only been 8 weeks. Though, to be fair, I've been in school for 3 and a half years prior to starting nursing school and let's just say it's getting old being a student. I can't really put my finger on exactly what took me so long. Partially because I switched majors after a year, partially because I was working two jobs for a while and couldn't take a full load, partially because I took extra classes that I didn't need
And after all this I will just have gotten my associate's and have another year working on my bachelor's online!! If you added up all that time I could have had a master's by then! Some days I could just kick myself for that fact.
I know, I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why beat myself up about it? Still. Now that school is both hindering me from and my key to, doing the things I want to in life, it makes it difficult not to be annoyed with myself for all of that time wasted.
But in an effort to stick with the optimism and happiness that I began this post with (How did this post about getting through my first class of nursing school turn into a sad story about taking wayy too long to get through college?) because of my mistakes from the past, I will NEVER make them again and I now have the determination of a goat lol. (I am a Capricorn, too lol.)
GAH, now I'm all pissy with myself.
eioahwan392uhnaw;
Grumble.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Week In Review... Yesterday, especially.
Yesterday was a pretty darn good day! I actually accomplished most everything I wanted to! That NEVER happens.
Clinicals went great like Thursday. I just can't tell you how much better it feels to have a clue. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing, but now I feel like I have a shot in hell at figuring it out one day. Dude, nursing/school is hard!
I drank tons of water, which I've really been trying to work on lately. A couple of my girlfriends and I had a girl's date night scheduled and I knew there would be lots of delicious, greasy food and definitely some alcohol involved, so I hate super healthy all day to kind of counter-balance. I think I did pretty decently: Oatmeal for breakfast, granola bar after clinicals, exercised, had only veggies/fruits for lunch (carrots, broccoli, grapes and a banana) and only ate half my cheeseburger/fries at dinner and had only one Long Island Iced Tea (well, they call it a Texas Tea, but it's the same thing) and only like a third of the fried pickles we shared. Hey, I know that still sounds like a lot, but sadly it is an improvement from my usual when I go out :) It's a good thing I don't go out that much!
I know this probably sounds like an excuse and you should always try to health-ify your meals, but I genuinely don't mind going out and eating something awful and greasy every now and again! Never doing it really would be better, but I don't like to feel like eating healthy is a punishment and if I don't splurge once in a while, it ends up feeling that way.
Now about my other goals: Do homework, follow calendar, eat healthy, exercise at least 2x/wk, meditate, hubby time, listening, facebook hiatus.
I did okay. Again. Slowlyyyy getting better and making those lifestyle changes. It's an arduous process changing your habits!
I didn't get even half as much of the crap that I wanted to, but I really can't point to any one day and go "I really could have done more," or "I was really lazy." I'm starting to wonder why I can't reach this goal?? Are my standards to high?? I'll think about it this week and get back to you.
Did check my calendar regularly and follow that as best as I was able (aside from the school work.)
Ate quite healthy this week and I'm very proud of myself. It wasn't a perfect week, as I said about yesterday, and on Tuesday I did have a cocktail with my husband which was not healthy in the least, but all in all. I made vast improvement :) Still working on keeping a journal.
Exercised once, yesterday, but it's a start! I have to say being at the hospital is such a motivation to be active. I see all of these people who either can't because of a health issue, or they're having health issues because they're inactive. Either way, realizing how luck I am inspires me to try to reach for my full potential.
Didn't meditate every day... Or any day... At all. :/ I want to say I was just "too busy", but I know that's not an excuse. SOMEWHERE in my busy days I KNOW I could have carved out 5 minutes to sit and be calm and reflective.
I think my hubby and I took a big step towards trying to spend more time together and really being present during that time. We had a long talk about it and I was able to say how I felt and he said how he felt. I feel like now we really understand what we need from each other during these next couple years of school.
I think I'm getting slightly better about the whole listen more, talk less thing. I still talk wayyy too much, but when I do, half the time it is asking about other people. Though it still isn't ONLY listening, I feel like I'm in a good place with it.
I did bad with facebook. I didn't spend whole hours on it or anything (yep, done it before...), but that time could have been better spent meditating or reading.
So there's my week! I'm so glad I started this blog, well I think of it more as a journal, but either way, I feel like it really gives me an opportunity to hold myself accountable and reflect on my life. Though I know it must be boring as hell to others! :) I think I'm okay with it. Ain't no shame in doing things just for yourself.
Clinicals went great like Thursday. I just can't tell you how much better it feels to have a clue. I mean, I still don't know what I'm doing, but now I feel like I have a shot in hell at figuring it out one day. Dude, nursing/school is hard!
I drank tons of water, which I've really been trying to work on lately. A couple of my girlfriends and I had a girl's date night scheduled and I knew there would be lots of delicious, greasy food and definitely some alcohol involved, so I hate super healthy all day to kind of counter-balance. I think I did pretty decently: Oatmeal for breakfast, granola bar after clinicals, exercised, had only veggies/fruits for lunch (carrots, broccoli, grapes and a banana) and only ate half my cheeseburger/fries at dinner and had only one Long Island Iced Tea (well, they call it a Texas Tea, but it's the same thing) and only like a third of the fried pickles we shared. Hey, I know that still sounds like a lot, but sadly it is an improvement from my usual when I go out :) It's a good thing I don't go out that much!
I know this probably sounds like an excuse and you should always try to health-ify your meals, but I genuinely don't mind going out and eating something awful and greasy every now and again! Never doing it really would be better, but I don't like to feel like eating healthy is a punishment and if I don't splurge once in a while, it ends up feeling that way.
Now about my other goals: Do homework, follow calendar, eat healthy, exercise at least 2x/wk, meditate, hubby time, listening, facebook hiatus.
I did okay. Again. Slowlyyyy getting better and making those lifestyle changes. It's an arduous process changing your habits!
I didn't get even half as much of the crap that I wanted to, but I really can't point to any one day and go "I really could have done more," or "I was really lazy." I'm starting to wonder why I can't reach this goal?? Are my standards to high?? I'll think about it this week and get back to you.
Did check my calendar regularly and follow that as best as I was able (aside from the school work.)
Ate quite healthy this week and I'm very proud of myself. It wasn't a perfect week, as I said about yesterday, and on Tuesday I did have a cocktail with my husband which was not healthy in the least, but all in all. I made vast improvement :) Still working on keeping a journal.
Exercised once, yesterday, but it's a start! I have to say being at the hospital is such a motivation to be active. I see all of these people who either can't because of a health issue, or they're having health issues because they're inactive. Either way, realizing how luck I am inspires me to try to reach for my full potential.
Didn't meditate every day... Or any day... At all. :/ I want to say I was just "too busy", but I know that's not an excuse. SOMEWHERE in my busy days I KNOW I could have carved out 5 minutes to sit and be calm and reflective.
I think my hubby and I took a big step towards trying to spend more time together and really being present during that time. We had a long talk about it and I was able to say how I felt and he said how he felt. I feel like now we really understand what we need from each other during these next couple years of school.
I think I'm getting slightly better about the whole listen more, talk less thing. I still talk wayyy too much, but when I do, half the time it is asking about other people. Though it still isn't ONLY listening, I feel like I'm in a good place with it.
I did bad with facebook. I didn't spend whole hours on it or anything (yep, done it before...), but that time could have been better spent meditating or reading.
So there's my week! I'm so glad I started this blog, well I think of it more as a journal, but either way, I feel like it really gives me an opportunity to hold myself accountable and reflect on my life. Though I know it must be boring as hell to others! :) I think I'm okay with it. Ain't no shame in doing things just for yourself.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Does this gown make my butt look big?
Actually, it kind of does. At least, I didn't think my butt was that big...
Such a stylish, sexy beast. I know :)
Anyways, GREAT day at clinicals today.
A) I wasn't a giant bundle of nerves.
B) I'm finally getting into the swing of things. Where things are, who to ask, who to avoid, how to deal with patients, etc etc
C) The staff - dare I say it - actually likes us now!
That all combines to make for a great day :) Let's hope tomorrow goes just as smoothly!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October.
To me, October is the metaphorical Spring of the year. I don't know why, but whenever fall starts coming around, I can practically smell promise and opportunity in the air! It's palpable!
I get a new pep in my step. (Which I really could use right about now... Nursing school isn't a joke!!)
It gets cooler. The air smells fresher!
Out with the hot, staleness of a summer that probably hung on too long-it did this year! (Hooray for living in south Texas...) In with the crisp, wonderfulness that is October.
During October, the semester is halfway through. Which always motivates me to give it that extra push to make it 'till the end! (Now, this tends to be gone by Thanksgiving, but hey-it's Spring damnit! Optimism!) And now that I'm in a school where we take 8 week semesters, I'm actually going to a new class soon.
And we can't forget all the fun events! Oktoberfest, Rocky Horror Picture Show viewings, Halloween. Candy EVERYWHERE, all month!
Starting to think about what to get everyone for Christmas. :) I love doing that. I always try to be super thoughtful. (Which you kind of have to be with a budget like mine, lol.)
Also, it's the beginning of family season.
Now, this might seem ironic considering most of my family I don't get along with or am not close to. But it's actually made me appreciate the ones I'm close to even more. And now I have an excuse at least once a month to get together with them :) (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years)
Now, I'm actually not a big winter fan. I feel like clothes here are never warm enough. But for the fall, and ESPECIALLY for October, I am one happy lady. :)
Happy October y'all!
I get a new pep in my step. (Which I really could use right about now... Nursing school isn't a joke!!)
It gets cooler. The air smells fresher!
Out with the hot, staleness of a summer that probably hung on too long-it did this year! (Hooray for living in south Texas...) In with the crisp, wonderfulness that is October.
During October, the semester is halfway through. Which always motivates me to give it that extra push to make it 'till the end! (Now, this tends to be gone by Thanksgiving, but hey-it's Spring damnit! Optimism!) And now that I'm in a school where we take 8 week semesters, I'm actually going to a new class soon.
And we can't forget all the fun events! Oktoberfest, Rocky Horror Picture Show viewings, Halloween. Candy EVERYWHERE, all month!
Starting to think about what to get everyone for Christmas. :) I love doing that. I always try to be super thoughtful. (Which you kind of have to be with a budget like mine, lol.)
Also, it's the beginning of family season.
Now, this might seem ironic considering most of my family I don't get along with or am not close to. But it's actually made me appreciate the ones I'm close to even more. And now I have an excuse at least once a month to get together with them :) (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years)
Now, I'm actually not a big winter fan. I feel like clothes here are never warm enough. But for the fall, and ESPECIALLY for October, I am one happy lady. :)
Happy October y'all!
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