2 out of 3 meals today

have consisted of cake. True story.
Caramel Apple Cinnamon coffee cake, actually.
Here is the recipe. I used about a million times the cinnamon she put, but I really love the stuff.
It turned out super moist and just the right balance of all flavors.
My husband is a big fan too, because he can't get enough caramel! Win-win.

I've been reading the day away about dosage calculations, which has been just a blast, let me tell you. But I still have two more chapters I want to get done (two small ones; one about Activity & Exercise and one about communicating with patients) and I CANNOT stop piddling around! My brain needs a break!

Well, a longer one... Because I definitely just got done with my coffee/cake/one episode of How I Met Your Mother break I give myself every evening to break up the 4-10 hours of reading I do a day (depending on if it is or is not a school day.)

I need to re-focus! Easier said than done... Though, I suppose just getting started was never a bad first step.

I keep telling myself that the sooner I read these chapters, the sooner I'll have free time! -To do fun free-timey things like fold laundry, call my mother and take a shower. But it's time I'm not studying, and that's good enough for me! - ANYWAYS. That's just not motivation enough.

But, in my little time of procrastination I managed to check Facebook so much that nothing new has happened and all my e-mail has been checked. I updated my blog and now I'm left with no choice but to study! SIGH.

Amazing how I can write 7 paragraphs about nothing, isn't it?? Well, done now. Off to take that first step to the rest of my evening.

My schedule

as of late and for the foreseeable future:

If it's a school day:
Wake up, breakfast, get ready, go to school, come home, dinner, study 'till bedtime.

If it's not a school day:
Wake up, study, lunch, study, dinner, study, sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Strange thing though? Even though it's hard to keep up my motivation once I get home to study for 3-6 more hours... I love it! I can't wait to find out what the next day will bring. I've never felt this way about anything I've ever done!

Well, except for maybe in my marriage, but that goes without saying ;P

I've been a student for so long, it's nice to feel like I'm really making head-way into doing my passion!

After I finish nursing school, I plan to pursue a bridge program that takes you from an RN to MSN (getting your master's) once I finish paying off my student loans for this. But it will be different. I'll also be working and that's all online. Whole different ballgame. I'll be a nurse. I'll actually get to have a life!

But that aside, I really am loving school. Lot's of work and lot's of fun. I also love my clinical group! That sure helps.

Tomorrow we're getting a tour of the hospital and unit we'll be at for the next five weeks. For 4/5 we'll be in the med-surg unit, but also one week in oncology - which I'm pretty anxious about, but more on that later. I better get back to studying! It's already 7 and I have an entire chapter to read before bed :)

Nursing School

is not a joke.
This is not a dril.
It's very intense!
I only started last Tuesday (the 28th) and holy wow.
I've already read 19 chapters in our main book.
Had my first quiz
and first clinical competencies.
They were simple ones! (BP, pulse, sterile gloving, blood glucose testing)
However, somewhat daunting simply because they are so simple.
I mean what wannabe nurse wants to be the idiot who jacks up the simplest stuff?
Luckily that wasn't me.
And wasn't anyone, really. So that must be a good sign!
I handle patients not this coming week,
but next week.
Why do I feel like these are not my patients, but my victims?
Terrified.
And also EXTREMELY excited!
You mean I finally get to start doing what I've been preparing for, for the last two years??
Sweet sugar tits, finally!!
Whenever I look at my favorite tumblr #whatshouldwecallnursing
I feel like one of the club now :)
Well, kind of.
More like an honorary member.

My new day consists of waking up extremely early
(for me, anyways. I consider 5am bedtime during the summer months.)
and either going to school and studying 'till bed
or waking up and studying 'till bed.
Of course, it goes without saying that between every chapter/assignment I have to spend an hour doing something absolutely pointless, and not even entertaining on my computer.
Youtube, Facebook, Pinterest.
It's amazing how there is such a direct correlation to how much school work I have and how much time I'm on social media and entertainment.

But, I think I'm doing okay with the workload so far.
First exam is Tuesday, and I think that will be the big indicator if I'm on the right track or not.
Dear sweet baby Jesus, I hope so.

Wish me luck!

The Bottom Line

Mitt Romney wants
to force me to have children, regardless of what their quality of life would be.
Thus, Mitt Romney believes only in having sex for conceiving children.
Which is a travesty all on it's own.
Mitt Romney lies to people like my forever-Republican grandfather to vote against his own interests,
like making Medicare a voucher program
to save the government money and instead putting that on my grandparents shoulders who put in all their life.
He wants small government only to allow corporations to run rampant
and keep the rich, richer and the poor, poorer.
The wealthy don't make jobs,
it didn't work in the 80's, it didn't work in the 2000's and it WON'T WORK NOW.
He wants to pretend that he knows God and his wishes.
Which I believe is not only blasphemy,
but could he be any further away?
Jesus was a healer and a giver. He wouldn't want people to die of preventable/treatable illnesses because they can't afford otherwise.
Mitt Romney doesn't give two shits about 
the homeless, cause it's totally their fault. Not because they're disabled or alone and helpless. No, course not.
immigrants. Stealin' our women, takin' our jobs.
the environment. Too costly for business. Maybe he can buy us a new planet with all the millions his company WON'T give in raises to the middle class.
education. Keep people uneducated and they aren't smart enough to know what's best for them.

How can you look people in the eye and say you're the people's choice, when you are simply using them for your own gains? How does he sleep at night?

I can't fathom living in a nation where I am ashamed by the president. And I REALLY don't want to move! Sigh. Let's hope people are smart enough to see past the Tea Party. 0.0

4 Hour Record

Spoke with my birth mom in the phone today. It was an all time shortest record: Under four hours. Sometimes I avoid calling (well most of the time) because who has five hours to talk on the phone every week? Also, we kind of talk about the same things over and over (both over time and during the same conversation). It's hard because she is so sweet and means so well, but keeping up with the crazy takes a lot of effort. And again, it's sweet, well-intended crazy, but still crazy.

However, today I've noticed a change. It's the first time we talked since Abby passed away and I had my enlightenment about people and my attitude. I noticed I was much better able to detach from the emotional strain of the conversation and having to keep up appearances so to speak (I lack a better explanation) and was able to really hear and understand what was going in behind the words.

When she says crazy or unlikely things, I see that she is a dreamer, trying to make that a reality in the only way available to her in this moment. Being a dreamer is probably the only reason she survived her childhood at all, even if slightly off.

I'm sure I'm describing her completely in accurately, but its just difficult for anyone to understand until they've seen it!

I explained about Chris' birthday and she was very understanding, even if I may have heard a slight tinge of disappointment. Very possibly from my paranoid imagination. All in all, a pretty successful conversation. 

Towards the end, we discovered that we both thought of possibly starting writing letters since its so difficult to reach one another on the phone (my fault). I thought that was funny. I think that will be nice. Plus, how fun it is a few years down the line to look back at old letters??

Im happy with my internal attitude progress, but to continue enrichment I really ought to start meditating. Which I've been meaning to do for years now, but there is no time like the present!

Last Sunday,

August 5th
was my Dad's birthday.
And the day we lost our family dog.
I'm so sorry that it had to happen that way.
She had a stroke in the morning and was completely unable to see or hear, her eyes kept darting back and forth, she was extremely dizzy and off balance. She couldn't walk or shift herself. Her sense of smell and touch was all that was left. And her spirit.
She had such a beautiful heart. She was part chow and very, very independent. Talk about a dog with an agenda! She would spend all day following my dad around and all night laying around with my mother (who is a Night Owl.)
Her presence filled that home. She had so much love for all of us. Our companion and protector through the years.
We had have so much love for her and always will.
I went with my Dad after we all cuddled for a bit and said good-bye. That was by far the hardest thing I ever had to do. He carried her in and I tried not to completely bawl knowing this would be the last place we ever got to take her.
The nurse said that it was treatable, as in she could live, but the damage was done to her body. What is a life for an independent dog who is completely unable to do anything alone? It's not a life.
I signed the document with the nurse, giving permission, and my Dad stayed with her and had a special moment alone to say good-bye and give his love.
They took her back to shave her leg and ten minutes later I saw the face I simply cannot get out of my mind. You could tell the instant she smelled us and her blank eyes lit up. It broke my heart. They're devotion and love until the very end breaks my heart. The doctor came in and we clutched and soothed her until after momentary struggle she was gone.
I bawled.
She was limp.
And then we had to leave her there. The hardest part.
Not bringing her home. I cry now, thinking about it, but getting my thoughts out does feel better. A release.
I've never seen my family so sad and I have never felt so sad. I wish I could take it all away. I wish she could be here with us another fifteen years.
I don't know how long it will take the vision of her recognition of us coming into the room she will never leave to abate. But, God, Abby I am so sorry I couldn't give you a miracle.
I miss you so much.

We did the right thing.
And I know that. And I'm glad we did.
She never had a sick day in her whole life, since she found us at my grandparent's lakehouse in the Spring of 1999. Emaciated, dirty and scared. She found us and wanted to be mine and Colin's friend. And was she the best friend we ever got.

Her last healthy night on Earth was spent eating cheetos on the couch with my mom. I know she couldn't have asked for a better last night. And I am so very grateful for that.

She was at least 15 years old. She lived a long, healthy, happy life. What more could we have asked for??

We loved her and she loved us. Every. Single. Day.

I do not believe in Heaven, though I wish I did, and in my way of coping, I promise to make other lives better because of her. People and animals alike her contribution to my life has inspired me to make a contribution to others.

Abby, I miss you. I love you. I hope you weren't afraid and I hope you know how much we love you and that we will never forget you. Rest in peace, baby.

August 5th, 2012

Dear Abby baby,
I love you so much. I will miss you so much.
These both seem like the biggest understatements of the year. I wish I could see your sweet, happy face again and bring you back. But I can't.
I want to hug you.
Wrap my arms around your thick fur.
The way you seemed to always be smiling with your adorable black tongue. Your hair shedding everywhere. My heart is already empty without you here.
I can't believe your gone.
I want you back so badly. Healthy, happy, alive.
Remembering the joy on your face when they wheeled you into the room you would never leave, just because you could smell us, breaks my heart. What will we all do without you?
You will never be replaced.
You will never be forgotten.
I wished I believed in Heaven.
You will always, always be in my heart. I promise to keep your spirit in there.